


As We Get Down in the World Below

by QueenofFennoscandia



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: AU, Accountant Simon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Divergence, Downworlders, First Meeting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I know what you're thinking get your mind out of the gutter, M/M, Romance, Saphael, Saphael AU, Simon POV, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Vampire Raphael, Vampire Simon, Vampires, adult Simon doing adult things, alternative universe, and something else, characters are mix between book and tv show, lonely Simon, loner Simon, scared Simon, shadowhunter universe, supportive Raphael, supportive Simon, vampire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-07-18 10:24:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7311181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenofFennoscandia/pseuds/QueenofFennoscandia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon was a real money-making self-sufficient citizen of New York City. He paid his taxes, took care of his rent on time, recycled and even smiled to the old lady with a slightly crooked eye next door, even though, she sneered him every time they met in the stairwell.<br/>This was not what Simon had in his mind, when he had decided to take a peaceful walk around his neighbour. He was not supposed to run into any vampires because they are terrifying. The fact that he was one of them did not change a thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Miss the Subtle Aches When the Weather Changed

So maybe Simon’s life had not gone the way he had planned.

Well, yes, he still lived in New York, that had not changed. And sure, he ended up becoming an accountant, which might not seem like the most exciting line of work. He does have to admit that maybe accounting would have been much more of a bore to him if it was not for the variety of his clients. No, he does not mean neither any kind of trendy hipster phone app designers nor wealthy A-list stars. His clients are more like, you could say, ‘out this of the world’ -kind of individuals.  

He had managed to get his degree, though, his student life had become rather different than he had imagined before, what he liked to call dramatically, ‘the great turn of fate’.  He had had to adjust to his new life style that he had not chosen voluntarily, which meant that no early lectures for him and lot of courses taken in various distance education methods, like online courses. It also led to the result that he did not make many university friends. On the opposite, he actually had to avoid getting too familiar with them. Not that he had been defensive or completely isolated because he liked to think that he was, in fact, a nice and social guy. Actually, it was easier than many thinks, to create distance, in the way that it goes unnoticed. Though, he did have some other kind of acquaintance, and amongst them even great friends. Ones that he trusted his life with, literally.

What he had not expected, was how much, after dying, he would come to miss the daylight. How he would regret for not imprinting the image of sunsets and sunrises into his mind. He felt absolutely idiotic for not being able to be sure which of his memory’s images of those sceneries were real experiences and which he had borrowed from films, creating fake memories. Had he actually seen the sunrise while walking the Brooklyn Bridge, or was it just some scene from a movie he had seen with Clary when he they were twelve and now completely forgotten– he would never know. 

It is like telling someone: ‘oh Paris is beautiful during the Springtime’, and then realizing that you actually never been in France. Which can be fixed, just book the damn ticket. Simon will never get the ticket. He had the ticket, he even went to Paris, did all the touristy shit that you are supposed to do, but actually spent all the time staring at his phone screen and not taking it all in, and now he regrets because he got banned from France and now he cannot redo things. Figuratively speaking. Simon had never gone to France. The comparison actually makes perfectly sense when you think about stories of Magnus’ trip to Peru. Of course, Magnus had not been stupid enough to miss the scene, or that was what he had heard, at least.

Of course, this had not been the only down turn on becoming undead. Daily necessary but involuntary encounters with blood, and the shifting moods which had something to do with the former…it all was very irritating. It just was that the things that had felt like the smallest and the most insignificant made the most difference.

Other than that, he was proud to say that he was managing pretty well. He was a real money-making self-sufficient citizen of New York City. He paid his taxes, took care of his rent on time, recycled and even smiled to the old lady with a slightly crooked eye next door, even though, she sneered him every time they met in the stairwell. Simon was suspecting that she assumed him being some kind of a criminal, as he did not leave his apartment unless it was dark outside. Rude.

So, maybe he had a diet which may seem quite questionable to a lot of people, himself including as until six years ago, just before turning seventeen, he had been diligent vegan. During the years, he almost had gotten over the guilt of not being able to digest his earlier meat- and dairy-free daily meals. He had accepted the fact that if he wanted keep on…living, he would just have to just endure it.

If you did not take account the terrible feeling of loneliness, which had been caused by trying to make distance between him and his family and many of his friends, he was fine. But as mentioned, it was not like he did not have connections. On the contrary, his friends were the most trust-worthy people he could wish for. But early on, he had learned that it was easier to be more reserved and introverted person, or _whatever_ he was, even if, it was completely opposite of his actual personality. Or what it had been. He was not completely sure. What he was sure of, was that he would rather not repeat the scene of his mother finding his bottle of blood in his room when he was seventeen.

The sudden change in lifestyle had demanded drastic measures. When your body changes inside out, along with your mentality, it is hard to tell are you even the same person as before. If you asked from Clary, who was one of his oldest and closest friend, she would say that he was just the same. It was not that Simon did not trust her. It was more like he did not simply agree with her.

 

* * *

 

Part 145 (and counting) Downsides of Being a Vampire: Having a completely opposite sleeping cycle than all of your non-undead, (wait, that does not make sense) – alive acquaintances.

Soon after being bitten, he had to face the reality that most of his friends’ schedules does not go well with his own. Even if, he would try to mold his own schedule of sleeping, working and free-time, those who worked also during the daytime simply could not afford stay up daily during the night. And daylight just was not option for Simon. You can trust him, he had tried and at the same time unfortunately witnessed that yes, indeed, vampires do burn in sunlight. He survived with ungodly ugly and painful burns on his face and both hands, which had completely healed without leaving scars. Though, his skin ached months after and the experience itself had been, how would you put it, hard to forget.

So, as he was not a self-destructive moron, as Clary had called him for six months after the incident, he had hours and hours in his hands to deal with. Three years ago, when he had _actually_ realized that he had not aged a day after being bitten and that he would not age in the future, the hours had felt longer than ever. Acquaintances from Shadow world and Downworld had offered finding a way to introduce him to some Vampire Clans. The traumatic experience of being forcefully bitten without his consent and then abandoned by his maker, as she had been found dead in the middle of some dumpsters in some dirty alley, had made him reject his own kinds right away. It took him two and a half years to stop calling himself a monster, aloud at least.

Now, he did not really have anything against vampires, but he had been on his own for some times already. He had his kind-of-a-legal food supplies, and he had obtained a control of his natural instincts. So maybe, _maybe_ , he might have been a little afraid of vampires. Jace and Alec, who he knew through Clary, laughed at him for being such a human. He liked that nickname better than being called a bloodsucker, anyway. Shadowhunters were such annoying bunch sometimes. Such a terrible sense of humour.

 

* * *

 

It was like any other day of Simon's life. A one of those many nights, when a loner vampire was walking on his own in the dark and empty streets. He had finished his work, which he mostly did in his own apartment, and eaten – drunk (he refused to use the word ‘feed’) two bags of O neg. He did not want to waste the moments of freedom inside as his time in the outdoors was now very limited.

A beautiful, almost cloudless, night. Those early summer nights were still chilly and the air felt fresh. Well, as fresh as it can, in the middle of a one of the major cities in the world. The only reason he realized how cold it was, was because of the humans couple he had passed by close to his apartment. They were huddling closer to each other, tugging their coats tighter around them. He had not felt the coldness on his skin for years, so he followed the people and his friends with his eyes; what they wore, how they acted… The first Winter of being a vampire, he forgot to wear a beanie, a scarf, cloves and a jacket that was thick enough for the weather, which was why he had gotten many weird looks during the coldest night of that year. Simon had stared at his own reflection on a window of a closed shop. He looked strange compared to the others who were hiding under the layers and layers of clothes. Instead of thinking how convenient it all was, he had hunched his shoulders as his eyes widened with realization. Hurrying to his apartment, he had had to make an excuse to Clary who he had been supposed to meet at Alto Bar. He had spent the next day in haze – he felt ashamed, scared and more than anything else, jealous.

Now, Simon was wearing his denim jacket. It was more worn out than he remembered. It was such pain to shop when you could not do it in the day time. Online shopping it was, then. Of course, downworlders had their own boutiques and shops that were open with more flexible business hours. It was just that, the last time he had literally collided with an aggressive vampire who had been unnecessarily intense with his demands to know from which clan Simon was from. Territorial stuff, Simon guessed. It had sucked any desire to mingle amongst the children of the night from him. Also, he had realized that Clary, Isabelle, Alec and Jace consumed ridiculous amount of clothes every month because of their demanding job. A lot of bloodied and tattered garments. Simon was kind of wondering how did they even afford to clothe themselves. Maybe the Clave offered extra financial support in fashion department. He had tried to ask from Alec once. The shadowhunter had just sighed like Simon’s voice was causing him physical pain. It was fine, Simon knew that deep inside he was Alec’s favorite person…non-person.

Simon had his headphones on, the volume loud enough to cover the possible unwanted noises from the street, but at the same time quiet enough, so that no one could approach him without noticing. That was how he managed to notice a group of people talking, ahead of him. A group of six had cornered a man. Simon could tell that they were vampires.

“Damn,” Simon muttered.

And he had been so careful. Not wanting to wake unwanted attention he lowered his head and took a sharp turn to the opposite direction He took a turn to his left, hoping to find an empty street. No such luck. Three more vampires were loitering too close for Simon’s liking. Turning around would not be a smart move. He moved to the opposite side of the street, hunching his shoulders. Simon could feel their eyes tracking him, but most likely, he did not seem like an interesting target as they did not follow him. He swallowed, feeling relieved.

A young woman’s voice made him twitch.

“Hey, you.”

Simon tried to keep walking, hoping, that maybe he could just ignore the situation.

“I’m talking to you, denim.”

Simon scratched back of his head before turning carefully. “What is it?” he tried to say, calmly, and somehow pulled it off, or so he hoped.

“What’s your business in here?” She looked like a petite Asian girl, though, her sharp jawline made her appear weirdly menacing, even though, Simon was likely twice of her size.

“I’m just on a walk,” Simon said honestly and added, “Had some trouble sleeping, you know how it is.”

Girl’s eyebrows rose. “Sure.”

Simon glanced at the direction he was going. “Was there something? Because I was just passing by.”

“Are you on your own?” she asked easily.

“Yes, just me.”

When she said no more, Simon took it as a sign to keep walking. He had walked two blocks when he was surprised by a strong presence. Simon whipped his head over. No one was behind him, but when he looked in front of him again, a young looking man was leaning on the brick wall not far from him. Simon took automatically one step back, trying to create some distance.

The young Latino man tilted his head slowly, like he had all the time in the world as he observed Simon. He was wearing a well-fitted dark suit which was way too formal for a human of his age. This one though, looked comfortable in his attire. They were standing in some remote street, and somehow he managed to make Simon feel underdressed. The body language of the other was confident and managed to make him look intimidating.

Finally, their eyes met. Simon cursed himself for keeping the eye contact longer than was most likely wise. He did not want to seem like a threat if the other was someone you would not want to meet in a dark alley, because that was exactly where they were. Simon dropped his gaze. Nervously, he played with the hem of his jacket with his right hand. When no one was talking, Simon decided to try to make an exit, but just as he was taking a second step a collected voice made him stop.

“Why are you wandering here?” The voice was smooth without hesitation.

“I’m just taking a walk,” he answered similarly as to the girl before. “Needed some fresh air.” Even though, Simon, and most likely also the stranger knew very well that the last breath he had to take was before he had been dumped into an empty crave.

“Right.” He was blatantly staring at Simon, like he had all the right in the world, and maybe he did.

Simon just nodded stiffly. He kept glancing at the other who carried himself like some kind of a lord. The man’s dark eyes lazily gazed the streets before his eyes stopped on Simon.

“No proper greeting?” The other said finally, while taking a step away from the wall.

Simon wanted to remind the man that he had not been the one starting this conversation and in a pretty annoyed tone, too. He decided against it and stayed quiet.

“Where are your manners? You’re missing the etiquette, chico,” he talked like he was already bored, like Simon was some kind of insignificant being who he was graciously allowing to crawl in his presence.

“I’m not very familiar with this so-called etiquette,” Simon commented.

“Your sire must be reckless, or maybe just strongly disappointed in you,” Latino stated and added, “I would be. Look at you, acting like you never had a proper conversation.”

A conversation… Was that what they were having? Simon narrowed his eyes.

“Sire?” Simon frowned as he thought for a while. “Oh right,” he remembered some book mentioning something about it. Alec had slammed the thick ancient looking book on to his living room’s coffee table, wordlessly, leaving very confused newly bitten Simon behind. That was a month after Simon got introduced to the world behind the mundane one. There had been some very useful information in it, but as he would have rather avoided the whole ‘congratulation, you’re undead!’ -situation, he ended up skipping many chapters, probably more than he should have.

 “Sorry, never really had one of those…” Simon shook his head slightly.

The man's, or a boy's, expression looked like he was watching something peculiar.

“Everyone has or had a sire at one point. You don’t look like an old one either,” he looked Simon pointedly.

“I know I look young,” he said hesitatingly.

“Don’t we all,” the other sneered.

And the more Simon dared to properly look at the one who was talking, which still was not much, he realized just how young the boy looked. Still, he talked nothing like a teenager. From the outside he could have been younger than Simon, though, it was doubtful that it was really the case.

“I’m not talking about the age you were when you were reborn, but you knew that already.”

Simon did not dare to say anything.

“Which clan do you belong to?”

Simon bit his lower lip, pausing before answering, “I don’t have one.”

“Where do you live?”

“On my own.”

“Are you an idiot?

“Excuse me?” Simon said a bit offended, “I’m doing just fine”

“Why are you wandering here?” The vampire demanded.

“I can’t see why that is any of your business.” He did not want any vampires walking to his doorsteps, bringing all the trouble he had managed to avoid, until now.

“It’s my business, if you make it my business.” The man almost spat out harshly. “There has been unwelcomed guest going around on my clan’s territory, breaking our deals with downworlders and…others,” he said rolling his eyes. “So naturally, we have increased the amount of our members monitoring the streets, in case of founding hindrances.”

“I want no harm.” Simon dared to look in the eyes of the other vampire.

There was a smile ghosting on his lips. “I will be the one to judge that.”

Simon huffed. He glanced at the side alley close to them. It looked like a dead end.

“Are you lost?” the stranger kept asking questions.

“No, I know exactly where I am. I’m taking a walk.”

“Still the same answer? You are taking a walk?” he said like he thought that Simon was making fun of him.

“Yes,” Simon said exasperated, “Can’t I just…”

“…Do you know who I am?” the vampire finally asked.

Simon took a good look at the man, feeling confused. During the six years he had never had a conversation this long with a vampire. Actually, every time he saw one he took off as fast as he could. He did not look familiar.  Not that he knew any vampires anyway. “No idea,” he ended up saying honestly.

The man rolled his eyes, muttering something in Spanish. Simon could distinguish a word ‘idiot’ in the sentence.

“It’s almost like you’re looking for trouble,” The man sighed, like he had given up.

“Definitely not! Honestly! Scout’s honour.”

The dark eyed man just lifted an eyebrow, definitely not impressed.

“Dude-,“ Simon started talking.

“Don’t,” he said sharply, “ever call me ‘dude’, fledgling.”

“Fled…wait, what?” Now the guy was just making words up.

Suddenly, the vampire was looking at him like he truly was confused. When he realized that Simon was not joking, he said, “A new born, in this case.”

“Wait no, I’m not some newly-born with no control of my urges,” Simon insisted. He did not need a clan or some surly vampires coming after him because they thought that he could not keep it together. This night was not going well.

When the other did not look like he was buying it, Simon was starting to feel a bit insulted.

“Seriously, I’ve been undead for a while now. Well, I don’t really know what is thought to be actually a long time with the scale of the vampires, but for me…”

“Stop rambling.”

“I died six years ago.”

“Do you live here?”

“Well, pretty close.”

“You’ve lived in my territory, and we had no idea about you.” It was not a question, more of a statement or an accusation.

Simon was starting to get nervous. “Is this going to be a problem? Because, I kind of really like my current apartment, even though, there is a small possibility that some kind of feral raccoon might have made a home of my unused closet in my bedroom, and it sucks to try to find a new place in New York with a descent rent. Also, my work kind of requires me to live around, or at least, it makes it easier. My client base is mostly around here. Don’t tell me I need to leave the city becau-“

“Just shut up,” he groaned to make the talking stop.

Simon blinked, shutting his mouth.

“Dios, how are you even alive?” He sounded a lot like he wished that it would not have been the case.

“Well, technically I’m not. But, I'm as much alive as one can be alive in a situation like this, so don’t go on-“

“Do you ever stop talking?” he narrowed his eyes and fixed them on Simon’s clothes. Yeah, definite judging right there.

“You know what? Screw you. You were the one who was talking me first.” Simon somehow managed to sound like he was not about to piss his pants. He appreciated the success.

“And I’m already starting to regret it.”

“Your decision, not mine, buddy.”

“Don’t call me buddy,” he grimaced.

“Then what can I call you?” Simon said, annoyed.

“Raphael,” the Latino said.

“Huh.” It made Simon go quiet. “That’s. I mean. Well…” he had not expected to get an actual name. “Nice name.”

Raphael let out a noise that could have been translated somehow like: ‘what did I do to deserve to be having this conversation and how do I make it stop’.

Simon was not a completely crude, so he offered his own name. “I’m Simon.”

“Simon,” Raphael tested the name on his lips. “Are you sure you are in control? Your fingers are fidgeting,” the man observed.

“It’s you,” Simon blurted out. “You are kind of intimidating. Don’t lie to me and say you have no idea. You are like architype of a modern Count Dracula. Is it necessary to wear all black? I don’t know if I could pull it off.”

Simon had just realized that vampire had moved further away from the bricks that he had leaned on earlier. It was alarming how he was positioned in a way that was making him feel very trapped.

“I am vampire just like you are,” Raphael said, even though, he did not actually claim the Simon’s statement to be untrue. “What is there to be nervous about?” he sounded curious as he took a step closer, almost amused, if Simon was not reading him wrong. Simon took a step back, finding his back touching the brick wall behind him. A satisfied smile appeared on Raphael’s face.

“I don’t really bump into many our kinds on my daily…nightly life,” Simon stammered.

“How have you managed on your own for so long?”

“Self-control of not maiming my friends can get you far. It’s all about the motivation,” Simon offered.

“Your _non-vampire_ friends knows your situation?”

“Is there other kind of friends?” Simon joked.

“Don’t tell me you actually don’t know any vampires? Have you even met one before?” Raphael tilted his head, like it all sounded too unimaginable to be true.

Simon actually managed to feel embarrassed to admit it, and he had no idea why. Why did he feel like admitting that you are still a virgin, just before you are about to have sex with some unbelievable stunning person? Even though, you know there was actually nothing to be ashamed of being one, you cannot help wanting to claim otherwise. So yeah, he kind of wanted to argue that, of course, he knew like a bunch of vampires. Many of them. They had dinner parties every Wednesdays because he could make an excellent Bloody Marys even with his eyes closed.

But instead he sighed, “Well, I have seen them with a safe distance.”

Suddenly, Raphael was carefully approaching Simon, who took a deep breath in. Some of the harshness had disappeared from the corner of vampire’s eyes.

“You are shaking,” he said when he was right in front of Simon, who avoided other’s eyes.

Simon swallowed loudly.

“Hey,” he said so softly, which kind of threw Simon off. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“I’m not afraid that you -,“ Simon started to argue, but went quiet when his eyes met Raphael’s, and suddenly the little courage he had was gone. “I’m,” his words came out stuttered. He lifted his right hand to brush a straw of hair from his face awkwardly, eyes again avoiding the other vampire. He really wanted to disappear. He was used to all kind of negative feelings, but rarely self-conscious, not like this.  

“Hey, none of that,” Simon heard the voice said close to him.

Simon straightened his back but looked to his right, instead of in front of him, eyes scanning the street, without actually focusing on anything.

He felt a smooth skin on his skin. It made him go rigid. Fingers wiped over the jaw line of his, finally stopping to his chin. The hand gently but sternly made Simon lift his head and turned it to face Raphael. The boy in front of him looked physically younger than he, but for some reason, Simon had never felt more like a child.

He had never seen such deep and dark eyes as Raphael’s. It was something terrifying. Something that could have made him stop breathing, that was, if he still had to breathe.

He could hear Raphael humming, thoughtfully. Raphael swiped his finger under Simon's eye. It left a small smudge of red on his forefinger.

Simon hastily swiped his eyes with a back of his left hand, feeling embarrassed. This was not what he had in his mind, when he had decided to take a peaceful walk around his neighbour.

“You finally went quiet,” Raphael mused.

Simon could not figure out a come-back. Instead, he just narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips stubbornly.

“Wouldn’t have thought that you would be such a cry-baby”

“I’m not.” He tried to keep his voice stern.

“Yeah, right.” Raphael gently mocked him, no real heat in his words

His hand was touching the back of Simon’s neck, like he was calming him down, comforting him. Simon leaned into the touch unconsciously, until he realized what he was doing, and then he was shying away. It was completely irrational, it did not make sense. He found out that he did not hate the touch of other of his own kind.

“We haven’t had newly born vampires for some time. I had forgotten how…emotional, they can get. So young and sweet. I have to admit, it’s rather adorable.”

Simon gave him a withering look. Internally he was terrified of how he was reacting. He was frightened how much he had missed the touch of a another being. Partly unconsciously, these days, he avoided touching people. Those rare moments, when he rested next to Clary, like they had done hundreds of times since they were kids, he always made just a little extra space between them. The image of his cold skin contacting someone warm, it made him wonder if the touch would be unpleasant to others. It must be.

Raphael tilted his head, swiping his fingers against Simon’s neck. He looked fascinated. “Truly adorable.”

With a little dignity left, Simon refused to look away, but his expression looked more abashed than challenging.

“Do you still feel like crying?”

“I’m not crying,” Simon gritted his teeth and swiped Raphael’s hand away.

The contact between their skin was lost for a second until Raphael grabbed the hold of the hand that had been used to create distance. Simon realized that the vampire was much stronger than him as Raphael, without much effort, moved their intertwined hands so that he had the full view of Simon’s face. Simultaneously, he had leaned slightly closer. “You have a strong will, but you aren’t much of a fighter.”

Simon defended himself, “There’s no need to. I like my life peaceful.”

“There’s no reason to feel ashamed.”

For a second, Simon felt Raphael caressing his thumb over his wrist, where his vein would had been pulsing if not for the obvious, till he removed his hand. Then he looked at the sky and commented, “The morning is not much further away.”

They both knew what it meant.

After a quiet moment of both of them viewing now much lighter sky, Raphael turned to scrutinize Simon, then he lifted both of his hands. Simon backed away, just to find himself closer against the wall. Raphael hands grasped a hold of the denim fabric. He straightened Simon’s jacket before withdrawing fully from Simon’s space. He took a final look at the garment, like he was evaluating it, still not being fully impressed of it.

His eyes snapped to Simon’s face. Simon was taken aback.

The smile on Raphael's face was smug.

Simon was about to complain when Raphael spoke first, “Be careful of the monsters behind the corners, fledgling.” He took a steps back, still faced with Simon. “Better avoid unnecessary loss of body parts”

“Gross, Raphael, gross,” he complained as his mouth formed a grimace.

He was not sure if he imagined it, or if Raphael let out a low laughter.

“Be cautious, Simon,” was the last thing he said as he turned fully away, giving Simon a full view of Raphael’s back.

He was wearing a well-tailored outfit. The shoulders were nicely filled which emphasized the sharp lines. Collected, calm, sharp and terrifying. Raphael was truly a perfect description of a vampire.

For the first time in six years, Simon felt the cold chill down his spine.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from the song Lose it - Oh Wonder.  
> The chapter names are from the song Touch - Sleeping at Last.
> 
> Just felt like writing this because I really like the idea of more interaction between Simon and Raphael. Also, there's not enough Saphael fics.  
> People, we need to fix this.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	2. Oh God I Want to Feel Again

 The last four days Simon had entrenched into his apartment. He could not dismiss the possibility of vampires invading his home after the earlier unfortunate encounter. So, he stayed home, waiting for the worst. Because let’s face it, that was how things usually ended up unfolding to Simon – in the worst way. But nothing happened, nothing at all.

Clary visited him on the third day of not hearing anything from her usually talkative friend. She noticed that something was off. Simon waved it off, not wanting to worry her. It did not seem like she had anything to say about the New York’s vampire community, no problems or havoc, nothing at all.

The next day, he wondered what had he been so worried of. It would not matter if there was a one vampire isolating himself from vampire community. Raphael must have come to the conclusion that Simon Lewis was not a problem, or not at least priority in their list of problems, and just decided to leave him be. There was no one to drive him out of the city, no one to get rid of him or to demand him to join some weird cult where they were forced to savor the blood of virgins for a brunch. Nothing had changed. Nothing at all.

He had met a vampire, and the earth had not cracked under his feet, the sun still rose every day and he still missed it every single time. So, on the fourth day he sat next to a coffee mug, perplexed. He stirred the caffeinated mixture of blood red and black liquid.

Nothing had changed.

What exactly had he expected?

 

* * *

 

The following week went in rush. Work, work, work, work – just like the Rihanna song that had been stuck in Simon’s head for days. _God damn you, Jace._

He was especially annoyed with one certain warlock who had managed to mess Simon’s well organized system by _a one call_. Accident his ass. Simon was sure that his client slash friend was getting some kind of sick enjoyment by making his accountant’s life miserable.

But even though Simon did complain about his work like no end, against all the assumptions anyone could get, he did enjoy his job. And he was good at it, too. It was a job which required an order, and as he got his work life together he felt like he could make a sense of his life outside the job. And so, he might not have originally been that organized of a person, but the situations in life makes the person. Adaptation is the key word.

Anyway.

Simon sighed loudly at the phone, “I swear to god, you’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”

He had finally come to point that he managed to say ‘god’ without stuttering the word as if he was not allowed to say it. That was why he always got a small satisfaction when he spoke the word, but this time he was too frustrated to even realize using it without effort.

“Yeah, yeah, right,” he grumbled. “And you know very fucking well it’s Simon, not Solomon, not Selma, not a freaking Sergio! And I bet I’d be definitely aware if I were some English Renaissance playwright. I know that you know exactly what you’re doing. Stop it!”

Usually he would also had let go the taunting about his name which he had gotten extremely familiar with this individual, but this time, this time he did not know what had come into him to sound so pissed off. The person on the phone seemed to notice it, too.

Simon sighed, “Yes, I’m fine. Just tired.” He continued with a dry voice, “Yeah, ha ha ha, a vampire with insomnia, hilarious.”

The voice on the line seemed to get sharper.

 Simon sighed by a habit. “I know you weren’t making a joke. Sorry, I’m just kind of edgy. I’m going to figure something out.” Simon knew he sounded worn out.

He listened the other to talk before answering, “No, I don’t think I can make it tonight.”

Stiles nodded to himself when he listened the talking.

“Sure, some other time. Have fun, guys.”

He was about to end the call, but before he could help himself he continued.

“Hey, by the way…” Simon said sounding awkward even to his own ears. “You’re familiar with some vampires, right?”

Warlock muttered at first something about children of night wrecking his party on last May and about someone who always managed to push his buttons in the wrong way but he just could not get rid of him, they were friends after all, some people are just unfortunately brought together for a life, (which was even more unfortunate as both of them were immortal), even if the other was a forsaken sullen stick in the mud who had no idea how to have a good party without spilling some blood on his carpet. Like, how hard can it be to-

Simon understood that the answer was affirmative and decided to put end to Magnus’ rant because he had honestly no idea what the other was going on and on about. Simon muttered to the phone while scratching his head, “Umm, so, about the New York’s clan. Are they, I mean, there shouldn’t be anything to worry about them, right? They have a some kind of pact with the Clave and they aren’t really looking for trouble with other downworlders, right?”

He was quiet for a moment, and just listened while letting the other speak.

“No, it’s nothing, I know. And no, I still don’t need anyone to talk with, I was just thinking something.”

Maybe he should have not asked. Magnus was one of those who had the most tried to encourage Simon to take some contact with his own kinds. He kept saying that it would be good for him. Yeah, and also shaving one’s eyebrows off has always seemed like an excellent idea. 

“Yeah, I know, I know,” he shook his head. “Hey Magnus, I really need to end the call.”

He heard the sigh from the other end of the line.

Magnus and Alec (mostly Magnus, Alec was most likely just going to ignoring the crowd in their bedroom with Chairman Meow and hissing to anyone who dared to stray to the room in question) were hosting another of warlock’s infamous parties. The stories following those events were unheard. Magnus always liked to announce before the party that the night was going to be legendary, in one way or another, no one really had gotten any reason to claim otherwise. 

These days Simon always got invited. He never went. After all, those very same parties which were full of all kind of downworlders. Awful place and time to do any business, which would have been the only rational reason to socialize with any of them. Drinking once one of drinks made by fey had made it very clear how bad idea it was.

The thing is, in a way Simon would have loved to go to those parties. He heard too many entertaining stories about them, but at the same time, was it really worth the risk? Like, turning into a rat kind of worth it?

 _No_ , Simon thought as he flung himself on to his bed.

But he had talked bullshit, just like Magnus had just now accused him. He had absolutely nothing to do that would have prevented him from going to Magnus’ place. He was a pathetic coward who was afraid to get out of his comfort zone. But in his defense, the bubble where he was living in was very comfortable.

So nothing changed, nothing ever changed.

It was clear that it was all some kind of self-defense mechanism, a way to make sure that when everything had once so drastically changed, nothing would shift nor take unexpected and unfortunate turn suddenly.  

It was a way to make it all stop.

 _“I can tell what you’re trying to do,”_ Magnus told him on the phone.

“You know, this has been working well for past five years, and I’m not trying to hide anything.”

_“What works well? Hiding in your dull little apartment and staring at your depressing walls?”_

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with my walls,” Simon said offended.

 _“Get at least rid of that rug in your living room and we’ll talk again,”_ Magnus stated.

It was Simon’s turn to sigh.

 

* * *

 

On next Thursday Simon had decided that he would not let some vampires prevent him from living his life, his miserable and uneventful little life as Magnus had claimed it to be in the end of their last call. So, he started to going out again, but he carefully avoided the area where he had walked into the unfortunate encounter.

Maybe the situations had not been life threatening, and maybe he had been overreacting about the idea of meeting others of his own species. Admitting it did not mean that he needed others of his kinds into his life. No, they could just kindly stay the fuck away.

After taking a first walk on that week Simon changed the light bulb in his toilet. The bugger had been flashing almost half of a month, making very effective horror-movie effect in to the room. He placed the dome covering the lamp back on, he looked at his work well done, satisfied. When he exited the room, he could hear something crack against the floor. He hurried back only to find the dome broken in half on the floor. He must have missed something as he had tried to twist it back to its place.

Simon silently cursed his miserable life, his dull apartment and the stupid lamp as he looked at the ceilings with resignation where the new now-bare lightbulb was mockingly flickering, just like the one that had been just changed had done.

Maybe the warlock had a point.

Was this how his life was going to be for the rest of forever? Simon was not sure if he was ready for that commitment.

 

* * *

 

He had seen Raphael twice after the first time Simon met him.

Raphael had someone lifted against the alley wall. The man looked terrified of his life. Raphael looked like he was making a groceries list: slightly annoyed, but mostly just bored. Simon walked right past the scene without looking twice and without Raphael even noticing him. That was the first time.

The other time Simon looked to his right while sitting next to a closed record shop where he had promised to meet with Clary. Raphael walked into a restaurant right on the other side of the street. Four other vampires were following him when he entered to the building. Simon had no idea what would a vampire do in a mundane restaurant, and he was not left wondering for long as Clary walked to him.

Simon did not know who Raphael was. Definitely not someone to mess with, but then again, none of the vampires usually were. Raphael just was not an exception.

An old memory of some vampire feeding of a young man in his teens was stuck into Simon’s head. He had walked right in to the puddle of blood messing his just purchased shoes. The vampire had just lifted his head slightly, teeth barely leaving his victim’s neck as she had said: “find your own lunch”.

Yeah, Simon had skipped his lunch voluntarily on that day. It also had left a harsh reminded of his new reality that he held to this day. It was good enough a reason to walk away from vampires and the possible uncomfortable situations that were waiting for him. It had worked really well, until on one night it did not. Had the reason been the unfair accusation that a rude shadowhunter had directed to him earlier on that night just because he happened to be a vampire, or the still flashing lightbulb in his bathroom, Simon was not sure. Whatever it was, something made him act like he usually would not have.

Simon stopped in his tracks when he raised his eyes from the streets. He had been walking around, trying to take his mind out of a lot of things. It had not been helping. The same thoughts had been running a race in his head, not leaving him alone.

That was when he had noticed a vampire sitting on the edge of some worn out building. Much to his surprise, Simon recognized him. The figure was wearing black, like the last time, features sharp, just like before. This person was a vampire. He too, had once died. But that also meant that he was also someone. He probably had things he liked and disliked, before he had been bitten. He also had had a favorite food, and places he had liked to go and things to do when he still could have walked during the daytime.  

In his head, he would have never thought that he would meet Raphael again, not like this. He had imagined the other appearing from the thin air, scaring the crap out of him. Now, when Simon stood there, on the other side of the road he got the desire to actually confront him. From afar, the man did not seem that threatening at all. He seemed like any other teenager boy, wandering the streets of New York. If Raphael would have not been undead, he would have sat alarmingly close to the edge. But Raphael was not looking down, he was staring at the night sky, looking serene.

Founding the fire escape, Simon climbed to the roof. When he was on the top, he right away noticed Raphael sitting on the opposite side of the building.

Simon glanced once back from where he had climbed, rethinking of what he was doing. He saw a group of teenagers strolling along the streets, obviously looking for trouble. Simon did not really care for human teens, a small part of it might have because he still looked like a teenage version of himself and it was going to stay that way, forever – it was an awfully long time to be one. The other reason was that they, as already mentioned, seemed to walk in the night just to pick a fight with someone. They were clueless of the dangers behind the mundane world. Simon turned his eyes away from them and approached the other man on the roof.

From behind, the vampire seemed like a ghost, something that was in the middle of the reality and imaginary, but then again, _I guess that’s what vampires are for me at the moment._ He questioned his now own reality every passing day.

Simon was expecting Raphael to turn around with his eyes sharp and calculating. It did not happen. Simon wondered if Raphael was ignoring him. It seemed like a fitting reaction from the other, it really did.

Simon opened his mouth. A small noise was let out – the habit of breathing in before talking that he still had not managed to lose, though, not sure if he would want to. Before he managed to say a word he noticed Raphael’s shoulders tensing.

It would have seemed like a fitting reaction for the other that he was ignoring Simon, and Simon thought it was correct till Raphael turned around with a slightly startled expression. For a second, Simon could see the surprised expression on his face, like Raphael was actually confused that someone managed to creep on him.

“Fledgling,” Raphael said, and the collected face, that Simon had gotten familiar with when they first met, returned. Any trace of being even a little bit stunned was completely washed away and it seemed that so had happened to Simon’s earlier courage to talk to this person.

Simon just stared at the man who stared back at him. He had already forgotten what had he been about to say. So, he just turned to look at the scenery. The view from the roof was actually pretty good. Not letting himself think twice, he shuffled down to sit next to Raphael. Though, he made sure that there was enough space between them. Safety first.

Simon had his knees drawn up to his chest. He could feel the other’s eyes on him, so he glanced fast to Raphael’s direction, finding a passive expression on his face. Simon tracked his eyes back to the scenery in front of them.

“Leave,” was what Raphael suddenly said.

Simon nervously eyed Raphael before clearing his throat, “Am I bothering you?”

Raphael glared and said bluntly, “Yes.”

Simon was trying to remember why again had he come there, he was regretting it already.

“Oh,” he said, fumbling his fingers. “I see.”

“I came here for some quiet,” Raphael said, like it was all that was needed to explain being rude.

“I said nothing,” Simon murmured.

“You’re breathing loudly,” Raphael sneered.

It was an obvious that he was picking on Simon’s mundane habits. “There’s nothing I can-“

“Fledling,” was all Raphael said, making a point, and it was all that was needed to aggravate Simon.

Simon sighed over-excessively on purpose just because of it.

Raphael looked at him, eyes narrowed. His eyes looked resigned when he looked away. “I have no energy to deal with you tonight, kid,” was what he said.

“I’m not something to be dealt with,” Simon ended up answering.

It was like Raphael was trying to stare him down, but Simon was not budging, he kept his eyes steady. Without warning Raphael made a small abrupt movement forward which made Simon slightly loose his balance, as he tried to jerk away, and almost fall onto his side. It would have happened if he still had been a mundane, definitely. Raphael seemed satisfied with Simon’s reaction. It all was very immature for someone who must be at least few decades older than him.

Simon glared at him, lips forming a tight line.

Then he finally noticed that Raphael’s slightly ruffled appearance which he had not noted till now. It was not that much far off from the exact and uncluttered look he had when they met at first, but it was just enough to make him look like someone after a prolonged day in work. He was not wearing his jacket, it was laid next to him, and his dark dress shirt’s sleeves were rolled up. He seemed more casual than before. It kind of messed the image of untouchable creature if night that he had formed of Raphael. Simon had to look away.

Simon’s shoulders jumped when something touched his shoulder. He could not help it, but still, he felt silly right after doing it. He looked at the forefinger that was still in contact with his own jacket. When he looked up, Raphael was staring at him.

“Skittish,” Raphael mused, before withdrawing his hand.

Simon took another breathe in, out of habit, Raphael seemed to notice it. Simon could guess that he was not going to stop calling him a ‘fledgling’ for sometimes soon.

When Raphael did not look away, Simon sighed, “What?”

“Maybe I should just scare you away,” while saying it he glanced down from the edge of the building. Then he returned his eyes to Simon whose mouth had opened slightly and eyes widened.

“Little fall might do the trick, what do you think?” Raphael smiled slightly.

Simon was about to bolt from his place when he noticed Raphael’s amusement that most likely Simon’s reaction was causing. 

“Have you finally stopped panicking about communicating with a vampire other than you?”

Simon was about to argue when Raphael continued talking.

“Don’t even try to claim that you haven’t locked yourself into your apartment, too afraid to go out.”

Simon actually winced. “Is it that obvious?”

“Very.”

Simon grimaced, next to him Raphael seemed to shift.  He had propped his other leg so that only the other one was over the edge. He seemed to take his time now properly taking Simon in. The humming sound he made, made Simon look at Raphael, too.

 “What?” Simon said, defensively.

Raphael narrowed his eyes, “I don’t know what is it with you, but…”

Simon frowned.

“I just kind of really want to push you more. You are one of those people that you can get a proper reaction from?”

Simon’s eyebrows shot up. “Did you just actually admit that you want to bully me,” he asked, giving a withering look.

It looked like Raphael was thinking about it for a moment. “When you live a little longer, you realize how you might as well say what you mean.”

Simon was not finding much comfort from other’s confession.

“Don’t worry, it’ll wear off,” Raphael waved his hand.

Simon just furrowed his eyebrows.

“Probably,” Raphael added, absent mindedly.

“This sucks,” Simon said.

It did. His life was literally a bad pun.

 

* * *

 

Clary had been at his place. She had brought lunch…for both of them.

She had looked horrified when she realized.

“Oh my god, Simon. I’m sorry!” she had apologized. “I didn’t realize!” And then she had pushed the take-away packages from the table.

That was what she had said.

She had _forgotten_ , she had…

Simon knew that it was not something to be angry about. It was just that – it had already been five years.  And there was nothing he can do, to say, because that was his reality. It just was such a low blow, making sure that he will not forget what he was.

Just like every year when the weather got colder and she said, “Aren’t you cold, Simon?”

No, he will not feel the cold in the same way ever again _. So, no, I don’t feel cold. I don’t feel a thing cause I died. Thanks for reminding, Clary. Appreciated._

But instead, he always formed a tight smile when he looked at his shivering friend, and said, “No, I’m good.” Because it was not her fault. It was not like his friends had the habit of pointing out every single details how he was a freak. Actually they were great at making him forget and focus on living, no matter what kind of creature each was.

So, he was not blaming Clary. He was jealous, that what he was.

Clary had left his apartment, apologizing, saying that she will make it up to him on Tuesday.

When the door closed Simon picked a bag of blood from the fridge. He drank half of it before feeling sick and draining the rest of the content to the drain. His kitchen counters ended up looking like a murder scene.

He did not want to talk to anyone, he just wanted someone to get it. The night was still young, so he could not go to sleep, and he still felt hungry which indicates that he should drain another blood bag.

He emptied a bag, and felt disgusted of himself right after.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...so, it's no more only 3 chapters. I've been writing this second chapter and it was getting too long so I just chopped it here. I don't think I can manage to finish the story in the next chapter, so more it is. Maybe 5 or so.  
> Oh, and I got so nice comments. Thank you, I had so much fun reading them. You guys are lovely. 
> 
> The next chapter will appear soon because it's mostly finished, I think.


	3. Pain is a Well-Intentioned Weatherman

 It was just his luck.

Simon had decided for once to “let loose”. You know, to not think too much and treat himself. For him it meant basically to get an actual professional made vampire-friendly coffee. When he had learnt about the possibility of the mixture, he learnt to brew it himself. It was one of the few beverages that felt like somehow mundane that he could actually ingest. He often drank a cup when he was at home, but there had not been many times that he had felt bold enough to go to the local café.

The day had been particularly tiring so Simon threw his hands up, sweeping work papers all over the floor of his apartment. Simon’s life was basically wiping the floor with him. He was exhausted. There was no rational explanation why could he even have so many prints, they were living in the digital age, for god’s sake.

 He _deserved_ a good coffee, no joke.

Simon was fast when he put his coat and shoes on. With a second thought, he picked up a brown knitted scarf from the coat rack before hurrying out of the door. In the staircase he tried to smile to his neighbor. She, once again, ignored him. Simon grimaced when he turned away. He tucked the scarf around his neck while rushing the stairs down.

Taki’s was buzzing with customers on that night. Simon walked to the queue which actually was not that terribly long. The barista was fast with the orders and a lot of customers seemed to be heading to the downstairs where the restaurant side was, anyway.

The false sense of security, which he rarely had, was swept under his feet when the person ahead of him turned around at the same time when the person behind him shoved him slightly. Simon felt himself tense when two man looked at him. Both of them were obviously vampires.

As said – just his luck.

“I did not shove you on purpose,” the man behind him said. It sounded like he had no intention to apologize. Simon did not really care as long as they would just continue minding their own business.

The person in front of him seemed to realize what had happened and just shrugged, though, he did not look away.

Simon decided that the coffee was not worth it, not tonight, so he was about to leave when one of the two, Simon did not know which, got a hold of his upper sleeve to make him stop walking away. Simon glanced behind him.

“Where are you going?” said the one who had not yet let go.

“Yeah,” the other commented, “no need to leave. We’re all civilized folks here.”

“I just realized that I let-“ the stove on….was not the best excuse for a vampire, or for anyone, ever.

Simon huffed, “I’ve an appointment and I’m going to miss it if I won’t go now.”

“So neither of us wasn’t the reason you suddenly decided to suddenly just run off? Because that would’ve been just offending, am I right?” the vampire said to the other still on the line.

“Yeah, it can’t be that we made you feel uncomfortable, right?” the other agreed.

It was not like either one of them seemed to actually have anything personal against Simon. No, it was just that they most likely were just the typical kind of vampires, making some drama from nothing. Simon wondered why none of the legends ever about how sensitive the children of the night could be. Why all the vampires seemed so touchy these days?

Simon sighed, not scared, more like frustrated. The vampire who had showed him looked seriously like he thought that _Simon_ was being rude. Yeah, what the hell? Simon looked at him like he could not figure out what was his problem. The vampire in front of them in the line seemed more like the kind of person who just goes along with whatever seems interesting, and this time it seems like backing up the offended stranger seemed to be the thing to do.

“Are you guys seriously doing this right now?” Simon asked, bewildered.

The other was about to say something, when an arm fell on Simon’s shoulder. Simon tensed.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here,” the person behind him said with a familiar self-confident voice.

The vampires in front of him took a one glance of the person who rested his arm on Simon, let out a small noise of recognition, like ‘ah’ or ‘oh’, before turning away. After that they did not even look at Simon.                                     

Simon did not manage to utter even a word because of the astonishment. Okay, so maybe Simon did not have even a quarter of the intimidating-vibe that vampires are supposed to have, but someone definitely had some even on Simon’s behalf. It was clear that these two had not thought that the one standing behind Simon was giving empty threats. And honestly? Neither did he. That was why he was right at that moments thinking if he had any options of not getting involved to this man no more. The choice was ripped from his hands when the other spoke.

“We’re going,” Raphael said, still not removing his hand. His mouth had been closer to Simon’s ear than he had thought.

“Are we?” Simon tilted his head so that he could see the other. They exchanged a look, and Simon corrected his own words, “Yes we are. Let’s do that.” He felt the chills down his neck. _Scary people are scary, even when they’re on your side._

Raphael finally took a step away from Simon, and Simon felt like he could finally function again properly. He followed the older vampire out of the building, not arguing any more.

Outside, Simon sighed mournfully, “I just wanted coffee.” _This is what I get._

Clearly this was a message from the universe that he should not leave his apartment ever again. He could live as a loner for the rest of his life, yeah.

…Who was he kidding, he would make a terrible hermit. He had stayed home for a couple of days and had already managed to broke his lamp, kill a cactus and have Jace send him annoying messages non-stop about of his “suspicious behavior” (and right after that stupid questions about some online game that had managed to swindle money from him).

He noticed that Raphael was still walking by his side, even though, they had exited Taki’s already and passed a couple of street corners. They really did not have any reason to go to the same direction, well, not if Raphael was not living in this direction. It was weird though how often Simon had managed to run into this vampire. Maybe he after all had the same neighborhood, but Simon had no idea where the other vampire lived, and he shut himself right when he was about to ask. Because, really, why would he need to know, and as if Raphael would even care to tell him. The man would most likely just throw Simon back to the wolves before voluntarily giving any more personal information. Admitting that he spent alone time in the abandoned rooftop was most likely already more than Raphael was willing to let Simon know. Maybe that was what Raphael was planning, he was looking around for the closes gutter to leave Simon’s body in.

Simon was letting his imagination run wild, when the other suddenly talked.

“Do you come here often?” Raphael asked.

The world’s most used pick up line, and Raphael managed to make it sound like he was filling a survey questionnaire. Obviously, Raphael was not meaning it to be either one of those, it was just a normal question, which itself was pretty weird to hear. Maybe the gutter-theory was still fitting. He was wondering if it would be questionable if Simon’s body was found in this neighborhood, if not, it all could pass as a random action of violence made by some rogue vampire, or werewolf, or fae – let’s not forget the faeries.

When Simon was ready pondering about his murder-theories he finally realized the impatient expression on Raphael’s face.

 “I’d like to, but,” Simon answered, without thinking too much about it.

Raphael looked at him like he was expecting him to continued, so Simon did.

“They make some really great coffee for – you know, for those like us. But I don’t, you know, really socialize that much with the people of downworld, outside the work.”

Raphael’s eyebrows rose. “…I hate to break it to you, but you are one of ‘the people of downworld’, _you know_?”

“I know,” Simon muttered. “Of course I know _that_.”

Simon felt Raphael’s eyes on his own face, but he kept his eyes on the pavement.

“The shadowhunters are the ones you should be careful around with,” Raphael told him.

Simon snorted, “…well that would make it pretty awkward with-”

Raphael stopped walking, Simon turned around to him and stopped talking.

Raphael’s eyes were sharp as his words sounded, “Were you a nephilim before?”

“Was I..?” Simon said confused, then he realized what he had meant. “No. No, I never was a –,” he paused. “Would it matter if I had been?” He could not help asking.

“Just answer the question, Simon.”

“I’m a mundane – was,” Simon corrected his words, “I _was_ a mundane.”

Their eyes were set on other.

“Then it does not matter,” Raphael finally said, removing his gaze from Simon.

Simon had no idea where the sudden courage came suddenly, maybe it was just that he was missing the filter at the moment, but he said, “You’re so full of bullshit,” because it was true.

Raphael did not dignify of answering to Simon’s indications of Raphael being prejudiced, and Simon really not felt like making any further comments so he just grunted, unsatisfied of where the conversation had gone.

What happened in the in Taki’s, made Simon think, he got the feeling that many do not question Raphael. The earlier vampires seemed to back off right away, which was weird, because okay, Raphael was extremely intimidating, but you could see from their eyes that the two seemed to be ready to leap out of the window, or something. Like, sure Raphael was intimidating, as said, but still, come on.

When they walked away from there, Simon said, “Well, that was weird.” He was talking about what had happened in café, Raphael seemed to catch it.

“Not really,” was all he commented.

Simon was not sure if he was lucky or unlucky to have met Raphael.

“Stop staring,” ordered the cutting words.

Simon ignored them and said, “What were you doing there just now?”

Simon was not sure if Raphael would even answer him, but after a pause he said, “I was dining downstairs.”

The word ‘dining’ sounded too weird to comprehend for some reason. It made Simon kind of wonder from which period Raphael was from. Sometimes it seems like he could not be more than year or two, or at most ten years older than Simon, other times he seemed like a middle-aged businessman who was used to getting exactly what he wanted, but times like this it was like he was from another century. Maybe it was a vampire thing – maybe it was a Raphael thing.

“Oh,” Simon said. “Shouldn’t you go back?” he glanced behind them, worried and feeling bad about the whole thing.

“We had already finished. I was leaving anyway.”

Simon let out a nervous laugh. He could not help blurting, “Those guys were really freaked out about you.”

Raphael just hummed.

“Is that normal?”

Raphael did this thing with his eyes, like he was amused though he did not want to show it. Simon was getting there with reading Raphael. It was not that hard he had come to notice.

“Maybe,” Raphael said, and cocked his eyebrows, “Would it matter?”

Simon noticed what the other was playing while mimicking him, so he humored him, “Just answer the question, Raphael.”

But Raphael was the one who ignored the next line by saying, “I guess you just have to find out yourself.”

“You are kind of an asshole, you know that, right?”

Raphael seemed to find himself above of answering. Simon was suspecting that Raphael might have actually been offended by the statement, but he did saw the corner of Raphael’s mouth curving. Simon bit back his own smile and turned away.

His eyes landed on a girl who was wearing thick gloves. He had no idea why his eyes ended always being glued to those stupid small details. He sighed and looked to other direction when she had passed them. 

“You sure are still a kid.”

Simon was not sure what kind of face he was making when their eyes met. Raphael’s eyes were on Simon’s hands before he looked up. Simon separated his hands from the grasp that had held them together. Simon had done it unconsciously it seemed. He tightened his hands into a fist, founding it annoying, even a little bit horrifying, how easily Raphael noticed and dismissed one of Simon’s biggest insecurity.

Simon stopped walking, backed off couple of steps while avoiding looking up from the pavement which shimmered slightly because of the thin layer of the black ice.

“I need to go. The sun…” he muttered, even though, they both knew that the sunrise was hours away. “I need to,” the sentence was left short when he walked away.

He did not even make sure how Raphael had reacted. Whatever, so he was just a poor little fledgling who could not handle of being turned, he knew it. Simon had just gotten into the adulthood of a human, but he never had the chance to enjoy it and as a vampire he was thought as a newborn. For them the few years of him being a vampire was nothing, but for Simon, it had been the longest years of his life.

He definitely had not come with the terms of being an immortal.

So what if in few decades he would be accept his current self, it did not change the thing that it was not what he wanted now. He had never even dreamed of it. But someone else had made the choice for him, and then decided to get themselves killed, and now Simon was stuck with this life.

A small part of him wished that Raphael would have just let him out of his misery.

 

* * *

 

The next day Simon remembered that he was an adult who totally could handle his life. That Raphael guy was clearly some kind of vampire mob boss with trust issues collected thoroughly during his years of being undead. Honestly, Simon kind of felt sorry for him. That was why he was going to rise above it all. Yeah, that is right, Simon Lewis was going to be the adult one in this relationship – thing, whatever it was that they were having.

Okay, so…

 _That_ decision was made before they met the next time. It was really surprising and for a second made Simon question if the New York was that big of a city as he had managed to convince himself. Because he was seeing some kind of pattern here.

Simon had just left his apartment when Raphael walked to him in the street like he had been waiting for him.

_Oh my god, I think he actually has._

“What are you doing here?” Simon stammered his words out.

“I followed you,” Raphael stated.

“You what? Why?” Simon tried to make sense of any of it.

“You seemed upset.” Raphael did not exactly sound apologetic, though.

 _Yeah, well that happens when you accidentally hit a nerve when trying to ridicule someone casually._ It had been something that no-one was supposed to notice. Raphael was completely crossing the line of Simon’s maybe once or twice mentioned personal bubble of insecurity.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” Simon grimaced.

“You don’t want to talk to me? What are you, nine?” Raphael’s voice sounded almost bewildered.

“I was just about to say that you’re just going to say something mean, but you already went there,” Simon muttered.

“Sorry, my mistake, you are actually five years old. Dios.”

Simon was getting ready to leave already, not having the strength of doing this at that moment, “I know that I’m annoying, really well, in fact. I’ve been reminded of it numerous times, so you can just…” Simon waved his hand without finishing the sentence.

For Raphael the right thing to do was apparently not to leave but actually draw closer to younger vampire. Simon glowered at him. Raphael answered with a contemplating look.

“What? You want to insult me some more?” Simon challenged.

“Against the clear implication you’re giving, I did not come here to fight with you.”

Simon had not really thought about that far, but what Raphael was actually doing there was a good question. He fixed his eyes to the man who was somehow shorter than him. Now that he looked carefully he noted how the dark eyes were similar to his own brown ones. This person too had been once a human, the thought reappeared to his head. Physically, he did not seem bigger than Simon. Man, he actually could have been even younger than Simon when he was turned. A shiver run through his spine while thinking about Raphael “living” years and years in the unchanged body. His body language and stare was anything else than one that a teenage could manage. Confidence, absolute self-assurance and boldness which differed from the vanity of youth.

“Raphael,” Simon said, and it actually might have been the first time he actually called other by his name aloud. “Am I doing something wrong?”

Raphael just kept looking at him, so Simon kept going.

“Am I breaking some kind of sacred vampire code of undead with my existence? Am I failing at being a vampire, because that would be just depressing. I didn’t even choose to be one. I was so good at being human. It’s all so messed up.”

“It’s not like any of us usually _decides_ to be turned,” Raphael commented.

The fact that Raphael actually admitted of not wanting to be reborn as a vampire made Simon go quiet. He was not sure where the earlier frustration and anger had gone, he was left feeling drained of words, which was rare for Simon.

 “You came to my apartment…” Simon finally realized. “How did y-“

“I made it my business to know,” Raphael brushed him off.

 _The creeper radar is showing high numbers with this one_ , Simon held himself back of saying it aloud.

Finally, Raphael took a step back. His body language made it sure though that the conversation was not over. Even the way he stood was bossy. Simon got the sudden need to clear his throat. Raphael put his hands in pockets and Simon was pretty sure that he saw a flash of that very same uncertainty he had seen on that one night on that rooftop. He waited other to talk first.

“Where are you going, anyway?”

Simon glanced his phone to see the time before starting to walk. “To work. I’m visiting my client.”

Raphael did not seem to mind following. “Your client?” he actually had the nerve to look surprised.

He walked along Simon when he started to make his way.

“Yes,” Simon said, “Something wrong with it?”

“No, I just didn’t think that…” he was clearly thinking something through, “You work?”

“Yes,” Simon said offended. “I’m an accountant.”

“…” Raphael just studied Simon for a moment, “You’re joking,” he finally said. It was not a question this time.

Simon huffed. “Why would I be joking about being an accountant, I mean, I’d have a bit more imagination if I was going to lie about my occupation.”

“Uh,” he seemed to be actually lost with his words, “Sorry, it’s just surprising.” Raphael straightened the sleeve of his jacket, like it was physically painful to apologize.

“I don’t seem like someone who could have a proper job?” Simon raised his eyebrows.

“Not many fledglings have a job figured out or lined up when they’re in your stage. Most kind of freak out until someone offers them a shelter or till they get a grip of themselves, you could say, but I guess you have already managed that…”

“Well,” Simon shrugged, “I was going to be one anyway so why change the career. And everyone has to handle money or some kind of property, even in the shadow world, so I thought, why not. Business is good, though, probably a bit more unexpected than in mundane world.”

Raphael just hummed, while watching Simon talk. Now what Simon noticed it, the staring was pretty intense.

“I never really ‘got a grip of myself’, I just kept going where I was already heading.”

“So accounting it was?” Raphael grinned.

“Well,” Simon did not turn away, “It wasn’t like I was just going to just roll over and die just because I got killed once.” Sure, he talked about wanting to not be undead, but for years he had already chose to try. Clary had actually punched him in the middle of one especially heated conversation (shouting match) of Simon wanting to disappear.

“That’s true. It’s better to not give those fuckers the satisfaction.”

“Who fuckers are we talking about?” Simon asked from the man walking right beside him.

Raphael brushed his hand against the crucifix hanging around his neck that Simon noticed for the first time. It reminded him of the star of David that he had felt burn under his touch when his mother had copied the mark all over their front door to shun the “demon” away. The necklace must feel painful against Raphael’s chest.

“Those who decided that they had the right to play god with us.”

For the first time Simon felt some weird kind of wave of affection towards Raphael rushing through him. He could not help it, so he helplessly let the corner of his mouth tug upwards, while the corners of his eyes wrinkled.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of felt that I should have written more to this chapter, but at the same time it felt right to leave it to this. Anyway, it's actually kind of relaxing to write this fic for some reason. I should have checked the errors from this chapters before posting, but hopefully it's mostly fine. I just want it out.  
> Sometimes I think if I'm going in too deep to Simon's "head", but maybe it's just my style of writing because I tend to think too much anyway. It's not enough to just meet and make out suddenly. I'm going to make this pairing work for it. But not too much, just a little more. It makes it worth it.
> 
> Thanks for reading, kudos and especially comments. Lovely people are lovely.


	4. These Moving Parts Inside of Me

Raphael and Simon... In Simon’s opinion, there was no clear explanation what their relationship was. It was something very complex, and at the same time very easy, as he had come to notice.

Simon was not completely sure what kind of companionship he had created unconsciously with the other vampire. The latest years he had seriously lacked in the social interaction department. He was doubting if his friendship with Clary that had lasted from their childhood or the relationship with his weird circle of friends was anything to be compared with the one he had formed with Raphael. It would have freaked him out if this completely unnatural ‘friendship’ had not felt weirdly natural.

So maybe ‘easy’ was not the best word to describe how it was to be around Raphael. It was not easy, no way in hell, because Raphael Santiago was honestly the most frustrating person Simon had ever tried to get along with. They were different people, wanting different things, favoring different methods in life. Or at least this was what Simon had gathered so far. He had no reason to believe otherwise.

That was why there was no sensible reason for them to search the company of each other. It would not have made any sense _. It does not make sense_ , Simon thought every time he was next to Raphael. But often, that was where he found himself. Sometimes their eyes met, and Simon wondered if they both felt the uncertainty that had creeped up on him completely unnoticed.

Raphael was straightening his jacket as they left Tacki’s. This time they actually were carrying coffee with them. Simon took a sip from his cup while curiously looking at Raphael.

He had not been as subtle as he had thought because Raphael finally huffed.

“Just spit it out if you have something to say.”

Simon spluttered, “I’ve got nothing to say.” He said nothing more and turned his eyes to the take way coffee cup he was holding, taking a sip.

Simon could hear the contentment from Raphael’s voice. “Finally, I was starting to think about methods to shut you up.”

_A way to…_

That was when a thought that had not been there before formed in Simon’s head. The freshly drank blood was showing a hue of blushing on his face. He had no idea where it came from, and he hand kind of just stopped in the midway of pouring the hot liquid into his mouth. It was just for a second there but it left him baffled. Somehow, he managed to not to let it show though. He kept walking beside Raphael, but then he finally gulped too much coffee down at the same time which led him coughing violently.

Raphael guided him to the side of the still busy street. “What are you doing, trying to drown yourself?” he muttered as he used his hand to wipe the spilled liquid from Simon’s chin.

Simon was still trying to get his coughing in control. He still had no idea why breathing was not a thing, but here he still was, somehow coughing his lungs out. He needed to focus his reading more on vampire biology because it was really confusing him. Simon sniffed as he felt that the coffee had also risen into his nose. Even though, these days he felt pain very differently than when he was a human – that, that still felt shitty as hell.

“Calm down,” Raphael urged. “Dios, you’re such a mess.”

Simon was not sure if Raphael noticed that he had just wiped the reddish-coffee from his hand straight to his own jacket. He would be _pissed_ later.

“I’m fine, stop fussing,” Simon muttered, annoyed.

Raphael narrowed his eyes. Simon could see the pointy teeth as Raphael said, “Then stop acting like a four-year old, fledgling.”

Simon still felt the chill that he got when he was with the older vampire, but he was better ignoring it now. Instead he closed his mouth until his lips formed a straight line.

Raphael took a one look of the stubborn expression before straightening Simon’s denim jacket from front, as he had gotten used to doing.

Simon had no idea what the gesture meant, but somehow Simon always felt like he was put into his place. Every time Raphael wanted to get his point across he did it, and Simon was not sure if he even minded it anymore. It was a horrifying, _horrifying_ realization.

Not being completely okay with the small act repression, Simon said, “You’re an ass.” It sounded more like a croak and Simon felt embarrassed of the rough voice he had let out.

Raphael looked indifferent about the insult.

Simon hated it.

He hated how much he was not minding any of this.

 

* * *

 

“What do you think makes one act awkward?” Simon said suddenly. He was sitting on Magnus floor. Alec, on the other hand, was acting like an actual civilized person as he was sitting on a chair, very unlike Simon who was taking far too much space from the floor.

Alec just raised his eyebrows and lifted his eyes from the bow he had been cleaning. Simon had a book splayed open on his lap. Alec had made a similar expression when Simon had appeared to him to ask if he had any more vampire focused books – a little surprised, but like he was not really that amazed about the question coming out of vampire’s mouth. It was a little offending, to be honest.

As Alec had predicted, Magnus had a wonderful collection of books, scripts, essays and scrolls backed in his library. Though Magnus was happy to help, he preferred that none of the material would leave from his house. That was exactly why this kind of setting was not unusual lately. They had realized that maybe they did not mind the company of each other that much after all.

It might have something to do with that Alex had kind of softened around the edges and Simon had stopped running straight ahead into troubles and learned to think before acting. Yeah, he had not learned that the easy way.

“Simon,” Alec finally began. It was his ‘do I have to spell it out for you’ - tone he was using.

“What?” Simon narrowed his eyes. Why was he feeling already that he should get ready to object what Alec was about to say.

 “Simon, aren’t you always awkward just by being yourself.”

“I’m not.”

“The first time you found out that I’m in a relationship with Magnus you compared out ‘romance’ to some mundane movie. Honestly,” Alec’s eyebrows rose again as he leaned closer to make a point, “I kind of wanted to punch you in the face.” Then he leaned back to the chair he had been sitting on and made this expression where he waited Simon to argue but he was not going to be convinced with anything the vampire was going to say.

Simon opened his mouth to say something but stopped himself. He narrowed his eyes instead.

“God, you’re mean.”

Alec just crossed his arms and leaned even further if it was possible. Simon was almost waiting the chair to fall over. Of course, because it was Alec it did not happen. If it had been Simon it would-

A realization emerged on his face.

_Oh my god, he’s right._

Simon looked at Alec with a new found lucidity.

Alec managed to look smug, which was actually saying a lot about the situation because usually Alec did his absolute best to look as passive as possible.

“I think I get it why Magnus is so into you. You’re match made in heaven,” Simon marveled.

“Yeah, yeah,” Alec waved him off.

“Your names must be written in the stars.”

“And this is what I mean when I say that you manage to make things weird.”

 

* * *

 

Simon got a call from one of his clients just before he was going to sleep. The morning light had already started to appear behind the curtains. Simon had not been ready for this kind of surprise. He had missed something when going through some documents last week, it seemed. He started to look through the data in his laptop, trying to find what had he screwed up. It was not a big deal, but Simon felt bad for his careless actions even after everything had been cleared up.

He felt like shit. He was completely convinced that it was mainly because of his mistake. But maybe, a small part of it had something to do with the call he had with his mom the day before. He had no idea how it had happened but there he had been, once again, in the situation where his own mother kept throwing insults on him one after another. And Simon had not hang up. He sat on his bed, back hunched, eyes closed and listened. Then when his mother was done with her words, he said “Goodnight, mum,” and listened her ending the call without a response. Simon was not mad. He never had been, and now he had no idea how he was supposed to feel. Not being able to blame his mom, he just felt disappointed in himself. He felt sad.

But that had nothing to do with the rage that had grown in him this time, Simon was sure. This time he had been careless. This was not like him.

He stayed up all day, checking facts that he also might have messed up. There was a possibility after all. One mistake meant that there might as well be at least a couple more. So what, he was being a bit paranoid, but as mentioned, it was reasonable. After all, he always made sure that things went the way they were supposed to.

When he left the house after the sun had gone down. No more errors had been discovered during the last sixteen hours. Still, he was annoyed, not sure for what or to whom, he just felt pissed off.

Now when he thought about him, he had been slipping lately. There was only a one reason he could come up with, the only thing that had changed lately. One thing that had thrown his perfect organized life from its original schedule.

He knew there was a reason why he always kept refusing Magnus when he suggested to introduce him any vampires. Look at him. It was not even that long since he met one and he was already starting to soar into the deathly spin. It would not take long to crash. Maybe he was panicking, but this was a very good reason to.

Simon kicked a beer can that had been abandoned. The loud clattering noise echoed.

 _What have I been doing?_ Thoughts came one after another which made him more and more frantic.

Why had not been just walking away when he met Raphael. The guy was an asshole! Simon had even cried in front of him, acted like he was a fucking mess. Simon let out a frustrated growl. He covered his eyes with his palms to erase the sudden realization. Embarrassing.

 _Get a fucking grip_ , he told himself. He might be many things but he was not desperate, nor someone that anyone should feel sorry for. No amount of condescendence nor condolence was welcomed.

Not that Raphael had ever made a single move to show that he had felt sorry for him. But this was not about what he said, it was how he fucking acted. It was about how he looked at everyone around him. He was smug, self-assured, clearly psychotic asshole. Simon was not going to let Raphael get to him.

Without thinking, he walked a street that was on his usual route.

He had not seen Raphael for a week so he was not expecting to see Raphael this time, even though they had walked on that very same street together before. So of course, that was exactly what ended up happening this time.

If Simon had let himself sleep one day to calm himself down, he probably would not have acted rashly when he saw the familiar face. But this time the irritation got better of him and he did what he had never thought of really doing before.

He let Raphael have it.

“What the hell have you done,” Simon gritted his teeth.

Raphael looked surprised for a second before the familiar spiteful expression returned. “What’s eating you?”

Simon found the subtle tilt of head that Raphael made obnoxious.

“Shut up,” Simon said. “You know, I didn’t need you to fucking mess my head.”

Raphael narrowed his eyes, “Mess your head?” He smiled humorlessly. “Are you hearing yourself? Now, I don’t know why you’re having a rampage, but I’ve done nothing. Nada. Don’t go on blaming someone else for your own screw-ups, fledgling.”

_Fledgling._

It was just right word to tick Simon even more. His fists tightened and shoulders tensed. Then he let himself have the satisfaction of shoving Raphael slightly. A slight confusion showing on Raphael’s face was covered shortly. His glanced at his chest where Simon had touched before looking up. He straightened his back as to show that he was unruffled.

Simon found it frustrating, really.

“I didn’t need any kind of maniac who could ‘show me the fucking world’. I don’t need to hear what I’m doing wrong from you. I can’t stand you standing there like you’re above all, looking self-assured as fuck. I really want to punch you in the face.” Words just kept flooding out.

“You think _I_ ever wanted some little fledgling getting underfoot?” Raphael gritted his teeth.

Finally, a reaction.

“Oh, I never asked to be anywhere near to your depressing face, even less to your feet. Sorry I’ve been making your afterlife so miserable. Seriously, so sorry, I feel heartbroken.” Simon made a move to push Raphael again, but this time Raphael blocked his hand before it managed to even touch him.

“You think you’re standing in a some kind of moral high-ground? The baby can do nothing but cry about the all the mistreatment he’s getting. Poor boy.” Raphael glared and sneered, “Face it, _you_ were a miserable mess way before you we met. Not my fault that you’re so weak that talking to another vampire actually managed to trigger you off.” Raphael was the one shoving Simon this time. Simon was getting to him.

“I was doing a-fucking-okay before you showed up.” This time he managed to give Raphael a shove which made the other stumble a little. It made Simon feel oddly satisfied.

“Well, you haven’t been much of a help for me either,” Raphael said before charging forward. He almost knocked Simon down. “Just a nuisance. Acting so desperate, just so that you could prove that you’re so different from rest of us. But all you do is helplessly trying to flap your brittle wings to keep you on surface. Let me tell you, you’re already falling. What happened? Did mommy shove your sorry little ass out of the nest too early?” This time he made Simon take a support from the asphalt with his hand.

Simon was fast. He was up soon enough, hitting Raphael in the face before he even realized what he was doing. “I never acted like this before! I did not need you to come and make me act like I was bitten yesterday.”

Raphael returned the favor by making a hit of his own. It was done straight to the center of Simon’s face, and fuck did it hurt.

“Do you think that I have time for this? I had to hear from Lily that I was acting unusual. I don’t have time for your quirks. People trusts me to do my job!”

Simon felt something wet dripping down his nose. Feeling a little lightheaded for a second he said dazed, “Who’s Lily?” but it was just a passing thought.

Raphael did not answer but gave another push. This time Simon did not fall. He shoved his elbow to Raphael stomach which made Raphael let out a small breathless sound. Simon finally noticed that yes, it was blood that was coming out his nose. He swiped it with the back of his hand.

“I didn’t ask for this!” Simon yelled.

“Well neither did I!” Raphael shouted back, and mirrored the act Simon had done to himself. The red on Raphael’s hand messed the white oxford he was wearing underneath. Simon finally noticed that Raphael’s nose was bleeding too. He looked like he had just left a murder scene.

“I can’t stand you,” Simon said weakly.

“The feeling is mutual,” Raphael assured.

Before they knew it, they were both holding other’s shirt fronts.

“Stop making my life difficult,“ Simon threatened while his grip got tighter.

“Trust me, you aren’t any easier to be dealt with,” Raphael snapped, not making any move to let go either. His eyes were dark and wild, which made him look nothing like the untouchable immortal being he clearly favored to show himself as. The nosebleed had even left a smudge right under Raphael’s nose.

A little tug Simon did while holding the shirt jerked Raphael. “I might have said this before, but there’s no need _to deal with me_.”

“Well, it’s you who has been annoying me. Never saw you before, now you just keep popping up and being in trouble and annoying. It’s a fucking distraction. It’s a miracle that there was a time when we lived in the same city but I actually had time in my hands.”

 “Me? _You_ are the one who’s bothering me! You’re not the only one who has things to do, places to be, stuff to complete, instead of sharing space with some sullen vampire. So, stop distracting me!”

“I’m not doing anything!” Raphael kicked Simon’s knee.

Simon groaned and returned the favor.

“Well you are managing pretty well to piss me off for doing nothing,” Simon gritted out.

“You aren’t doing so bad yourself.” Raphael’s eyes gleamed dangerously.

Simon glared back and said slowly “I’m going to hit you again.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Raphael said and took a step back when they both let go of each other’s shirts at the same time.

“Don’t test me,” Simon challenged, taking a step back too.

“Puppy trying to bite the bigger dog?” Raphael’s smile was sardonic.

“Well, I did pretty well just now,” Simon nodded towards Raphael’s busted nose. Now that he thought about it, he had never seen Raphael the worse to wear. Still Raphael held his head high, not letting any discomfort show on his face that he surely felt from the injures. But he was edgy, teeth bared just a moment ago, pupils blown wide, hair out of place.

Simon guessed that he did not look any better.

“Why the fuck you have to be irritable all the time?” Simon taunted. “Why are you so bitter to the world? So, you got bitten? Let me tell you, you’re not the only one! Why are you acting like the world personally offended you?”

“Don’t act,” Raphael hissed, “like you know a thing about me.” He looked like he was ready to come at Simon.

Simon was not backing off. “Then you better follow your own advice,” he suggested.

“At least I’m not afraid even of my own shadow,” Raphael snapped.

The tension was there, but neither of them made a move to attack. They just sneered at each other.

Something flashed in Raphael’s eyes, and Simon could barely see that startled look that crossed his face, but Simon did saw it. Raphael ran his hand through his hair. It was almost like he managed to look alarmed that he had found himself in an actual shouting match. The boyish man looked uncomfortable when he glanced at his hand to realize the amount of blood splattered. The vampire swiped under his nose, but the blood had already dried, wound healed and the bone mended. He still looked like hell, in Simons opinion.

Simon wrinkled his nose to check if he was feeling any pain. His face felt a little numb. The earlier sharp pain had dulled and left behind a similar mess that Raphael had been handed. Simon had not had much experience from his healing skills before as he had retired from his earlier status of a ‘trouble magnet’. Well, he had tried.

Raphael was the first one to talk. “Look what happened because you came shouting at me.” Then he eyed his ruined jacket. “My jacket is ruined,” he mumbled the last part, like it did not really matter whether Simon heard it or not.

“You shouted back.” Simon elaborated.

“Well, you hit me!”

“So did you!”

“It’s your fault!” they said at the exact same time.

This bastard had gotten deep under his skin. And the worst thing was that Simon had not even noticed before this. They had to have a freaking fist fight for him to realize it.

“Asshole,” he had to add, just because he could.

Raphael pursed his lips.

It was not like Raphael was any more over-earthly creature than Simon was. The Downworld too was connected to the mundane world. Basically, it was _the same_ world. And though six years ago he had might thought that the vampires would be somehow above a normal mundane life, now he knew that there was nothing to be envied about them, they acted like humans – rash, emotional, no different. Maybe he now had more stamina and ageless skin that many humans would envy, but it was not what he had wanted. He had already gathered that it had not been what Raphael had wanted. It was just really easy to forget it.

Simon just glared at Raphael for a while. Suddenly he felt tired. He had no idea when was the last time that he had shouted to someone. God, he was not sure if he had ever hit anyone before. He was so out of the place that he did not even fight the random question that appeared in his head.

“Why don’t I have your number?” Simon complained.

Raphael blinked. Simon let himself stare bluntly at the abashed expression on his face. The furrowing between the eyebrows had disappeared. Raphael’s mouth opened but it took a moment before he said anything, like he had difficulties keeping up with Simon. “What?” he said while sounding stunned. Actually more stunned than he had when Simon had broken his nose. If Raphael had not almost popped his kneecap out of its place, Simon would have found it somehow hilarious.  

“Your number. Sometimes I-” Simon huffed before he continued talking. “I’m thinking what you’re doing, and I don’t know, I can’t ask. It’s annoying.”

“Well, it’s not like you haven’t offered me yours either.” Raphael for some reason seemed to concentrate that part rather than how out of the place the question itself was.

“I didn’t think you’d give me yours anyway. And I wasn’t completely sure if you even had a phone.”

“Why wouldn’t I? It’s 2016!” Raphael said astonished.                    

“I don’t know, you never know with the downworlders, and I don’t know how old you are. You could be a century or two older for all I know. Do you even appreciate technology, I wouldn’t know!”

“Give me your damn phone, Simon.” The tone of his voice radiated frustration.

Simon just grudgingly threw his phone to the other vampire who caught it without effort. He typed something smoothly, till there was a small message delivered sound coming from Raphael’s pocket. Then Raphael threw it back to Simon.

He fixed his eyes on Simon. “Now, do you want to throw another punch or are we done.”

“Fine,” Simon said.

“Great,” Raphael replied.

 


	5. Just Some Information Upon My Skin

“I beat the shit out of someone yesterday,” Simon said and took a swig out of his bottle. He did not even want to know where Magnus had gotten an intoxicated human blood. Sometimes it is better to not look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clary’s face looked like she had eaten a whole lemon. His best friend was the cutest. Bless her soul. At least she still had one.

“You what?” she gaped. “And stop touching my head, Simon,” she complained when Simon had started to pat the top of her head.

Simon knew that she did not really mind it.

This was why he had been crushing on her. Even though he had jumped out of that boat a long time ago it did not mean that he could not appreciate her charm. Cute little friend. He snorted.

“Simon,” Clary complained. “You basically just told me you punched someone. You have nothing more to tell me?”

“Well,” Simon thought about it, “I think that pretty much sums what happened.”

“You punched someone.” She stated.

“I did,” Simon stared at the ceiling. Because he was on the floor. Laying on the floor. Yup.

“You?” Clary confirmed.

“Yes, me.”

“ _You_.”

“YES,” he said exasperated.

Clary narrowed her eyes, like she did when she was drunk and confused about something.

Simon poked her nose. She let him while continuing staring at the wall with a pensive expression. “Why?” she finally asked, scrunching her face.

“I don’t know,” he pondered, “I guess I was angry.”

“You guess?” she snorted.

“I guess.” He nodded his head, like he had made an excellent analysis of the situation.

“Oh,” Clary said. “Okay.”

They both took a swig out of their bottles.

“It’s just that you don’t usually go punching on people.”

She was making a good point.

Simon furrowed his eyebrows and pursed his lips. “Yeah, I know right,” he said when their eyes met.

“So then what?”

“Well,” Simon thought about it for a second, “he punched me back.”

“You let him punch you?” she said like she was disappointed in him.

“I didn’t _let_ him. There’s really not much you can do when they hit you, Clary.”

“You can dodge,” she offered.

“Okay, yes, but it just happened. This is my fight, so you can’t just judge me by what I should have done. You weren’t there.”

“So he started it?”

“No, that was me.”

“How?”

Their eyes met.

His mouth formed a thin line when he admitted, “I shoved him a bit.”

Clary shook her head. “That’s an asshole move, Simon.”

“I know,” Simon nodded, “I’m an asshole. But he’s one too.” Does it make it okay? Probably not. Does it make him feel better about it? You know, it definitely did.

“Is that why there was a bloody shirt in your bathroom?” Clary asked.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Why did you not ask about the bloody shirt before?”

“Simon. You can’t just ask about someone’s bloody clothes. I was being polite.”

“Oh,” Simon paused, “Thanks, I guess.”

She looked satisfied, like she had just won some kind of Moralist of the Year -award. “You’re welcome.“

Clary’s phoned chimed. She flailed when she reached out for the phone. Definitely drunk.

“It’s Jace,” she scrunched her nose.

“Ask him if he could dye his hair” he thought for a moment “red,” he decided.

“Why.”

“Because if you ask him he might even do it.”

Clary rolled her eyes.

“It would be a great couple look. …Or sibling look.” He laughed. “Remember when two of you thought for a week that you were related?”

She glared at him.

“Do you want _me_ to punch you?

“Yeah, not mentioning it, ever again.”

Clary had a mean left hook.

 

* * *

 

It was not like Simon called Raphael. Sure, there might have been couple of times when he found himself staring at the number he had basically demanded from the vampire. And for a what reason? He still was not sure what had gotten to him. It was not like he had lied. He had said what he had honestly been thinking. It was just that he had not realized it before it had come out from his own mouth. What could he say? They both were vampires, and Simon knew how unstable the safety issues were when you were one. The thing was, that he never had to worry about anyone else he knew being in the same situation.

But, he was not going to apologize for breaking his nose.

 

* * *

 

It might be weird, but it was because of the conversation with Alec that Simon managed to talk about Raphael without _actually_ talking about Raphael. Well, it was at least more fruitful conversation than the drunken one he had with Clary. Bless that girl.

Simon had been visiting the Institute because of his job, and had somehow ended up talking with Alec. The Shadowhunter always made a pained expression when Simon started conversation which developed in the same way as their former dialogue.

This time, without thinking much, Simon had said, “Magnus is really old.”

To his surprise, Alec had actually snorted, “No joke.”

They were sitting in the kitchen area. Simon was sitting on the kitchen counter which Alec had not commented about. If his parabatai had been there Jace would have already complained how poor choice it was for hygienic reasons. He was a neat freak like that.  Many would have been surprised to know how chill _Alec_ actually was. Yeah, Simon knew, it is hard to believe, but Alec actually is kind of a slob sometimes. Not that the vampire would ever dare to say it aloud in the presence of him.

Alec stared at the pasta, made by his lovely sister, with an evident doubt. He had been pocking the dish for five minutes, trying to decide if it was worth a shot. Simon had to admit that it did not look too bad, this time.

“Like really, really old.”

“I get your point.” Alec started to look at the door longingly, like he was ready to bolt from another uncomfortable conversation as soon as an opportunity came. Maybe also from Isabella’s cooking. Simon was not sure which was it this time. Well, it was most likely both.

“Do you find it weird?” Simon started. “I mean, of course numbers are numbers, but isn’t it frightening to get known with someone who–“ he left the sentence hanging.

“Of course,” Alec stated. “I mean, we had, and still do have our problems and it is terrifying sometimes, but it’s Magnus.” A small satisfied smile formed on his face.

Simon watched Alec turn his face away, looking embarrassed.

“You guys are so sweet,” Simon said like it pained him.

“Stop it,” Alec muttered.

“Ugh, why don’t you guys just get married and adopt more cats, and I don’t know, maybe a baby vampire or something to make your weirdly well-functional dynamic even more bizarre.” 

“Magnus said that he already had one vampire enough in his house.”

It was a weirdly precise answer for something like that. Simon just scrunched his nose, hoping that he was not talking about him because that would be just offending.

Alec noticed Simon’s expression. “Don’t worry, I don’t think he was talking about you.”

Simon was not sure if he was convinced.

Alec finally decided to push the plate away. “Why are we even talking about his age?”

“I don’t know,” Simon said honestly. Then he smiled cockily, “Maybe it’s the new founded realization of my own endless lifeline.”

Alec rolled his eyes. He leaned to the kitchen table, looking like he wanted to say something. Finally, he said simply, “They’re not all bad, you know?”

It took a while for Simon to realize that Alec was talking about vampires. Which actually was a bit surprising.

Alec looked uncomfortable, like usually when he was talking about actual feelings. “Shadowhunters, downworlders, mundanes…what does it really matter?”

Simon listened quietly.

“You got to give yourself and others a chance.”

The vampire held his gaze on Alec. He bit his lower lip, and turned away. Simon did what he did best, he turned it into a joke.

“You got to stop, I think I’m forming a crush on you.”  Though, maybe there was a little truth in there.

“I’m going to tell Magnus that you’re coming on to me.” The corners of Alec’s eyes wrinkled.

It was nice how he now knew that Alec did have a sense of humor. That was something that he had doubted for the first two years he knew him.

“Please don’t. He’d kill me,” Simon grimaced.

Alec offered him a rare smile, and Simon this was one of those moments when he realized that they actually might be friends.

Alec stood up. “I’m leaving. The atmosphere is getting too mushy.”

“Have a nice date,” Simon said, which made Alec look somehow flustered. “He talks about your latest dates every time I call about his messed up financial records. Yours is the epic love story of this millennium, apparently,” Simon called after him.

He spots a little pleased smile forming on Alec’s face before he disappears from the door. 

 

* * *

 

Simon was sitting on some buildings rooftop, again. And Simon did not even like high places, he had no idea how Raphael had managed to convince Simon to go sit there. But there they were.

Before they had not have changed their numbers, they met somewhere in the night-fallen city during the week. Somehow they managed to find each other, or maybe they did not need to look for each other. They just found each other.

That was why it was strange to make an agreement of their meeting place. Well, there had not been much of planning. It had been Raphael’s text ‘rooftop?’ and Simon answering ‘sure’.

“I have snacks,” was the first thing Raphael said to Simon on that night.

He hoped that Raphael’s definition of ‘snacks’ was not some detached body-part or a squirrel in his bag.

“Stop thinking and follow,” Raphael said before Simon had said anything about his mistrust.

“Sure.”

They ended up standing on a familiar spot. The scenery had not changed. Simon had gotten pretty good at navigating at the city, but it was clear that Raphael was even better. Simon sat down next to Raphael, who was already made himself comfortable. Well, as comfortable as you can get on the top of an creepy-ass rundown industrial building. The younger vampire looked down and grimaced. It was a long fall.

Raphael seemed to catch his expression. “You know, you wouldn’t actually die even if you fell, right?”

“Yeah, I mean sure. But it doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t hurt.”

Instead of answering, Raphael picked something out of his bag and shoved it on Simon’s lap.

Simon stared at the blood bag he took in his hands. Next to him Raphael had stuck a straw through the plastic of his own similar baggage.

Simon just stared at him, or more precisely at the straw that was plucked in.

Raphael noticed it.

 “What?”

“It’s a straw.”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s convenient. Makes less mess than if you would … also it’s fast this way.” Then Raphael drank…using a straw. Simon could not look away.

When Simon did not say a thing, Raphael took it as his right to stick a straw for Simon. “There.”

Eating. The hardest thing to endure during the years of being a vampire. He dreaded it, it was always such a chore. And here was Raphael, poking straws into blood bags like it was some kind of a snack you would eat during your lunchbreak in the office.

Simon’s shoulders started to shake. He was holding the bag in both of his hands, looking down on it.

“Is something wrong?” Raphael asked. He looked worried. One of his eyebrows arched up when he realized that Simon was not having any kind of melt down.

Or maybe he was.

Simon felt the laughter pushing out until he could not hold it in any longer.

The sudden rang of laughter came from nowhere. It echoed in the empty streets. Next to him Raphael observed Simon, mouth still intact with the straw. The laughter died down.

Finally, Simon started to drink too. Though, the still was something disturbing in drinking blood like one drank from a juice box

Two vampires sat there. Simon felt at ease. And if anything could have been interpreted from Raphael’s body language, so was he. Raphael was leaning to the concrete floor with his other hand.

Feeling comfortable enough to talk with the older vampire, Simon said, “Hey.”

Raphael tilted his head, which was again one of those gestures that made him look unfairly young. He wondered if Raphael was aware of it.

“Is it possible that you stop calling me fledgling, altogether?”

Raphael sighed. “Listen, it’s just a word.”

“Still, it’s weird. It’s something like a child? I don’t feel like a child anymore.”

Raphael played with the straw in between his fingers, thoughtfully. Simon focused his eyes to the movement of his fingers.

“How old do you think I am?” Raphael inquired.

Simon thought about it, but was not sure what was the right thing to answer. Raphael helped by answering himself.

“I turned 70 this year.”

Simon’s eyes shifted from the fingers to Raphael’s face which were not meeting his.

Simon was not sure what had he expected. Sure, Raphael was older than him, but if you compare it to the amount of years that Magnus had lived… It was not too shocking.

“If in vampires’ scale you’re a baby, I’m just getting into my teenage years. That is what it’s like to be an immortal. We don’t age in our bodies, but in our minds.” Raphael was apparently done with the straw, as he let it fall to the ground. “It’s terrifying to see what happens as the natural human age will be crossed.”

Simon was starting to see where Raphael was going for.

“I’m soon in the finish line of a human life’s length. If I was still a human my bone would have started to become frail and my skin would have already wrinkled, my hair wouldn’t be as black as it was on the day I was born anymore. But nothing has changed.”

Raphael dropped the empty blood bag in the middle of them.

“Honestly, the first ten years isn’t that bad. You feel like you have so much time. All the time you could have never hoped to have.” Raphael made a face while turning his face to the dark sky. “I should die soon if I was a human. But unless someone actually make some kind of an effort for it to happen, nothing will happen.”

Simon could not look away from the vampire. Raphael was bothered. This was obviously something he did care about. It mattered.

“All these years it has been easy to convince that maybe it’s not that different to be a vampire, but now the edge of living the years of a full human life is getting so close. Simon, I–“ Raphael stuttered. “Ten year, twenty, thirty, forty… Can you imagine how it feels to be that old, and still look like this.” He gestured himself. “I guess I truly am a…“

Raphael turned to face Simon.

“I don’t feel like an elder person, I’m not a person. I know that, I know that, but. It used to be so much easier to convince myself otherwise. I’m old, but I’m not. It messes your brain when your body won’t age. I don’t think that I’d be like this if I was a mundane, and I don’t mean just my body.”

Their eyes were locked. Simon had not thought that Raphael would give him this. This was something raw, and Simon felt terrified on Raphael’s half to admitting this. It was terrifying.

“And I don’t want to be like-“ he took a moment. “There’re some who have completely forgotten how fragile and short life was before. I don’t think I want to be like them.”

And Simon understood. He wanted to tell Raphael how very human he looked at that exact moment. He was not sure how the other would take it.

 “It’s not an insult,” Raphael smiled at him sadly.

It took a moment to realize what Raphael was talking about.

“Maybe it’s somehow a way to show our own bitterness for getting further of being a mundane.” There was some kind of amusement in Raphael’s words, bitter amusement.

“Are you jealous for me?” Simon said astonished.

Raphael’s face was serious when he answered. ”Yes.” He turned to look at the view. “Yes I am.”

Simon must have been staring, but Raphael was there. They were side by side. He was there. Simon got the sudden wave of affection. He felt something unfamiliar, he realized. And it was not because Raphael was beautiful, though, he was. And it was not because he had been there for Simon, even though, he had. But Simon felt it, and then there was an urge to lean closer to him. To let the other know that he too was there for him.

He must have been deep in his thoughts because suddenly he was aware that Raphael was looking back at him with a strange expression. To be honest, Simon was not sure what kind of expression he was making himself. It must have been something unusual as Raphael seemed to search something from his eyes.

It was Raphael who leant closer. He lifted his hand, which he used to cup Simon’s jaw. His left thumb brushed along the jaw line, and Simon could not look away. His own response was to lean heavily to the hand. Raphael’s eyes softened, though he still looked almost expressionless. There was nothing shy about any of it, though Simon had no idea what ‘this’ was. He cared, and it was horrible. It was fucking horrible, it was strange and it was wonderful.

“Are you going to cry again?” Raphael did not sound mocking or even playful this time while saying it.

Simon did not go defensive.

“I might.”

What a strange thing it was, to end up there, and that after all that had happened this was what seemed to matter now.

“Don’t,” Raphael said quietly. “It would be fine if you would, I wouldn’t mind if you would, but don’t.”

Was this how it was with the vampires? Maybe all of them felt this way when they met their own kinds. Maybe it was all a natural and normal reaction, especially after being alone for that long. What if it all was something completely normal, and Raphael knew it and it was all Simon who was so overwhelmed. Raphael had lived as a vampire over fifty years.

“Is this normal?” Simon asked.

He was not sure if Raphael understood Simon’s question but he answered, “I wouldn’t know.” Then he stroked Simon’s cheek with his still unremoved hand and repeated, “I wouldn’t know.” Simon felt the other hand behind him, when it contacted with his back and guided him forward. He did not fight it but moved closer.

Simon was about to clear up if Raphael had understood what he meant when he was pulled closer into an embrace. It kind of made him feel that the other had not been far off, at least.

After six years, Simon let himself sink into someone’s arms and wrap his own arms around other and hold him.

There was no warmth of body heat, no heart beats hammering to be felt, no ragged and shivering breathing, just two dead bodies tangled together. It was not scary anymore how un-humane it felt, or at least it did not trigger Simon. Sure, it was strange, but also comforting. Oh, so very comforting. With that thought he pulled Raphael even closer, and he could swear that Raphael did the same.

There was no desperation nor hurry, after all, they might even live forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know. It's really late, but for some reason I ended up writing this and decided to update it. I should re-read it first, but I'm not doing it. I'm going to sleep and do that thing later, but here you go. Thank you for reading, for the comments and kudos. I'm going to write at least a few more chapters.


	6. When Will I Feel This, as Vivid as It Truly Is

It seemed that Raphael had taken it as his responsibility to make sure that Simon fed. Simon realized that from the messages, which were something in the lines of _‘eat, now’_ , and from how the older vampire often brought those silly blood bags with the straws with him when Simon and he met. He was very good at distracting Simon from the whole drinking blood - thing. Eating was different when you did not do it alone, and it had been awhile since Simon had not done it by himself. Clary always said that she would not mind, but Simon could not believe that it would not gross her out if he would drink the irony liquid while she ate pasta with tomato sauce. 

Raphael never mentioned anything about their new arrangement. He was kind like that. He was kind where it matters. And Simon did not know how to thank him about it, so he annoyed the other. He talked too much, complained, joked and allowed himself lean closer than before. And maybe it was just Simon’s imagination, but maybe Raphael was responding to it back in his own way. Distance kept falling apart piece by piece, and before Simon realized it, he was there resting his head on the other’s shoulder with no restrain, completely relaxed.

They were in Simon’s apartment, which had somehow become Raphael’s visiting zone at some point. He came and left when he liked, and Simon liked how he was there. He kept complaining about the broken lamp in the bathroom which was dangerously close to the shower, and when Simon reminded him that it would not probably kill him anyway, Raphael fixed the thing. The older vampire hated the rug in the living room, and miraculously two days after he had mentioned it the thing had disappeared and it had been replaced with much nicer looking counterpart. Simon had never really liked the rug anyway, so he let it go without even commenting the change.

It was like something that Simon never knew that could exist in his life had made everything easier. Sometimes he found himself just looking at Raphael, how he talked, how he moved, how he was. It was mesmerizing, Simon thought. Right after that thought he had felt embarrassed of himself. But maybe it was not that embarrassing after all, because sometimes he could find Raphael looking at him too. And when it happened, Simon never looked away. He locked their eyes and offered a crooked amused smile.

That was what had just happened. Raphael was sitting on Simon’s couch, drinking the coffee Simon had fixed for him, and reading a well-read looking paperback. Simon was sitting on the kitchen table in an uncomfortable position, his laptop open as he was answering some e-mails.

Then, Raphael phone rang. Lazily, he picked the phone from floor where it had been abandoned when it had fallen and Raphael had not bothered to rescue it. Simon concentrated to his own work when the other’s eyes focused to the phone screen. He heard Raphael answering the call, the rest Simon tuned off. He lifted his head when Raphael called his name.

“Simon.”

“Hmm?” he hummed distracted.

“Would you mind if Lily made a quick visit here?”

Simon recalled that she was someone Raphael worked with, or something.

“She has some papers she needs to bring to me.”

“Sure,” Simon said without thinking too much about it. He was sure that Raphael was aware of his preference of dealing with other vampires, so he assumed that he would not bring trouble to Simon’s doorsteps.

Raphael returned to the conversation he had been having most likely with Lily. “I’ll send you the address,” he said before hanging up.

“She’ll be here in twenty minutes, I think.” Raphael said before re-opening the book he had been reading.

And that indeed was how long it took for Simon’s doorbell to ring. Simon went opening the door. He narrowed his eyes. She looked somewhat familiar. Instead of blurting it out, he let the other in. “Come in.”

“Thank you,” the petite woman said, smiling sharply. Simon could not really tell if she was trying to be polite or if she was mocking him in some weird way. She was Raphael’s acquaintance so he could not disregard the latter option.

Simon closed the door and followed the woman to the living room. She went to Raphael, and Simon passed both of them, making his way to the kitchen where he still had view to the other room. He decided to distract himself with his work while they did their thing.

“So this is where you have been,” she commented. “I have to admit, not what I would’ve guessed.”

Simon could tell that Raphael just shrugged. Raphael had not really straightened from the lazy sitting position even after Lily had appeared. He was reading through the pages with a dissatisfied expression.

“Apparently, no one tells me anything,” Lily complained when her eyes met with Simon’s.

“Well, you are the only one who has been there,” Simon could not help commenting. He obviously meant of those who Raphael had invited and she seemed to get it.

“Raphael has never been much of a sharer,” she smiled amused. Lily had snatched the coffee mug where was Raphael’s second serving of the mixture. She sipped and said right after, “Oh, this is good.”

Raphael looked annoyed of his lost drink, but reluctantly he shifted his eyes back to the paper. When he seemed to have finished it he said to Simon, “A pen?”

Simon picked a pen from the small empty cucumber jar which had been playing the part of a pencil jar for last half of a year in Simon’s household.

“Here.”

He threw the pen to Raphael, who caught it without any trouble.

“Thanks,” Raphael said before starting to scribe something to the papers.

Lily eyed at the exchange.

When Raphael gave the papers back to Lily, she asked, “Anything else?”

“No, we’re good.”

Before she left she said, “Nice rug.” Which made Raphael smile and Simon roll his eyes. Whatever, Simon was done mourning after the old one.

 

* * *

 

Simon had been visiting the institute, and ended up exchanging few words with Raj who was on his shift.

“Why do you look so depressed,” was the opening Simon decided on.

Raj just sighed before finally answering, “Not depressed, just tired. It’s been a stressful day…and night.”

“How’s so?”

“Vampire problems.”

Simon’s eyebrows rose.

Raj smiled. “Nothing you to worry about.

“It’s just there’s a vampire that has been causing some trouble to many, lately. A problematic case.”

“Body count?” Simon asked, because it was a realistic question in a world they lived in, when you thought about who he was talking with.

“Zero, for now.”

“Well, at least no one’s been stabbed or anything,” with actual humor in his voice, Simon formed a weak smile. This was the level of jokes that you got used to with Shadowhunters. Not that anyone found death funny, but it was a way to make everything feel less mortifying. It was easier to lighten the mood.

“Thank god,” Raj laughed. “That would be a lot of paper work.”

Simon smiled with a good humor. Raj did not look anymore like he was ready to leap out of the nearest window. Simon was glad that he could make someone feel even a little better. With the goodbyes, he made his way out.

On his way, he met Isabelle. Her hair was a mess, which was pretty unusual sight.

“You look…”

“Like a mess,” she sighed.

“I was going to say that pretty much like Raj. You guys should sleep more. Is the Clave overworking you?”

“Well, no more than usual. It is just a crazy week. Nothing goes as planned. Such a pain,” she gritted her teeth.

Simon offered a sympathetic smile. “I wish I could help.”

Isabelle grinned. “No, you don’t. You hate stuff like this. I know you’re glad you don’t have to get your hands dirty. You got enough of it when you still tagged along with Clary to our missions.”

“Busted,” Simon grinned back.

It had always been so easy to reason himself to do his best to keep himself safe. Especially, when he got the whole picture of the job description that major of his friends got. It all belonged very much in Simon’s ‘nope’-department. Someone was always going to get hurt, but it was not going to be him.

“Well, I need to go now.”

“Don’t be a stranger. And don’t you even try, I know you have been talking with Alec these days. Seriously Simon, my brother over me. I feel betrayed.”

“Would not be a big lost to ditch him. He’s a horrible person anyway.”

“Yeah,” Isabelle agreed, “But that’s why we love him.”

“I’m going to tell Alec we talked shit about him behind his back, and it’s going to bother him for _ages_. It will be glorious.”

“And this is why I adore you,” Isabelle laughed before turning on her heel.

 

* * *

 

“You seem angry,” Simon noted.

Raphael sighed. “Some idiot ruined my jacket.” He threw his shoes right next to the shoe rack.

“Huh,” Simon said, “Sorry for your loss.”

Raphael had just thrown that very same jacket on Simon’s kitchen table and…was that blood? That cannot be hygienic, Jace would lose his shit if he knew what all kind of things had been on Simon’s table.

Simon did not make a move to get off from the couch. Raphael sat down too, not bothering to think about the personal space, again. He leaned his back to the arm of the couch. Raphael stretched his legs before bending them so that he could fit the to the couch so that his feet were touching Simon’s thighs. His eyebrows were still furrowed when he shifted his eyes at the television screen.

Simon glanced at Raphael. His eyes dropped to Raphael’s feet. He had no idea why it had surprised him that not all of his socks were black. Simon contemplated the midnight blue socks the other was wearing at the moment. He released the tension from his body and relaxed to the soft cushion behind him.

It had kind of hit him in the morning, Raphael was charming. Even if he lacked the slight subtlety of not throwing his ruined jacket in to Simon’s kitchen. Without the jacket, the man in a black t-shirt looked softer. Simon looked at Raphael drop his head back. He could not help view the line the other’s throat formed. Simon swallowed. It had been long since he had been staring at someone’s neck without wanting to sink his teeth into it.  

“What?” Raphael said. His eyes were owlish, which told that he had not been expected to find Simon looking at him. He made self-conscious movement of fixing his hair with his hand, but the vampire managed to make even that look effortless.

 _Charming_. Simon smiled and looked away.

He felt a foot jab his thigh. Simon cursed loudly.

“What was that for?” He rubbed the sore spot with his hand.

Raphael looked satisfied.

“You are starting to get a bit too comfortable there.”

“Satan,” Simon muttered.

But it was not just Simon. It seemed that they had mutually crossed some kind of a line during the latest weeks, and they kept crossing them. So Simon decided to cross one more. He grabbed Raphael’s ankle and pulled so that Raphael’s head thumped against the sofa fabric of the seat.

The man’s eyes were wide, clearly surprised of the fully horizontal position he had been pulled to. He kept blinking at Simon who had slightly lifted from his own seat to drag Raphael down.

Simon was grinning widely when he saw the shocked expression. He was hovering over the man whose hands were still holding the cushion behind him which he had grabbed when his hands had flailed because of the fall.

Raphael pursed his lips together before muttering something in Spanish. His right leg was still held up, and he clearly was not amused.

When Simon did no effort to let go, Raphael grouched, “Would you mind?”

Smile had not left from his face. Simon squeezed the ankle gently before letting go. He returned to his original seat.

“What is wrong with you?” Raphael muttered when he lifted himself up.

Simon turned back to the show which was still running on screen and said, “I wonder what.”

When he still felt Raphael’s eyes on him he glanced to his left. Their eyes locked and Raphael did this thing with his eyes when he narrows them slightly when he was thinking. The sharpness disappeared after the man sighed.

“Careful,” Raphael warned, even though the edge in the voice had been lost.

“I’m done with being careful.”

Raphael stopped in the middle of straightening his back, and just stared at Simon, trying to guess what the younger man was thinking.

“Don’t suddenly say something so serious, it doesn’t suit you.”

Simon tilted his head, “Scared?”

“Terrified,” Raphael said with a malicious grin and kicked Simon’s ribs.

 

* * *

 

Simon had not thought what it meant when his eyes kept wandering to Raphael, not about how he wanted to push his own skin against other’s, how he _wanted_ things that had not felt necessary before.

He did not want to tell Clary that he was having those ‘movie feelings’. He was sitting alone in his apartment when he got the thought that ah, this is what it is. The thing that people wait for. The thing that makes all the earlier plans and feelings seem so much worthless. Simon wanted to share his life with someone.

 _This might be the real thing_ , Simon thought. He was wearing a dazed expression.

It was starting to be a problem. Simon was being obvious, too. He was getting attached, and Raphael must have been starting to notice too. It could not be long till Raphael realizes what a drag Simon was.

Simon sighed and leaned to his hands. And now he was just making himself feel depressed. He must have been truly out of it. He did not even hear someone ring the doorbell at first.

Jace walked in. Simon honestly had no idea why he kept visiting Simon. They were not even that good friends. And Clary was not there.

“Have you ever seen this person?” Jace slipped a photo on to Simon’s table.

Vampire picked it and after a glance put it back to the table. “Never seen her.”

Shadowhunters sometimes made visits like that. Rarely, Simon was able to help when they were looking for people, but they told him this was a good way to make people have their eyes open. Simon still did not get why could not they just sent him a text with a picture. They probably just enjoyed annoy him in person. It was actually kind of nice.

“Did not really expect you to. Would have been a long reach” Jace sighed. He sounded still sounded resigned despite the words he chose.

“I heard you guys are having a hard time.”

“That’s an understatement. I just want to sleep, but apparently we’re stuck until this mission’s done.” He yawned loudly and sat down to the chair next to the kitchen table.

“You’re staying?” Simon said with a bored voice.

“I’m tired,” he said, which meant, _‘make me coffee, you asshole.’_

 Simon did not wait the other to start complaining, but started to open the cabinet doors to get the coffee grounds. He worked silently.

“I heard that you and Alec are friends now.”

“Yeah, well he’s better company than you.”

Jace took the cup Simon was offering. “Fair enough.”

 

* * *

 

The next time Simon saw Raphael, and he wanted to take a one step closer – he took a one step back. When he felt like looking at him – he turned away, and when he reached for an unnecessary touch – he stopped himself. It was not his right, not really. He was getting ahead of himself.

Fuck, he must be such a task for Raphael, and Simon kept wanting things that were not his to have. Simon messed his own hair with frustration.

Of course, it did not go unnoticed.

“What are you over-worrying now?”

“Nothing.”

“I told you not to lie to me.”

“It’s nothing, I’ll get over it.” _I’ll get over this._

“You’ll get over what?”

Simon avoided Raphael’s eyes. “Sorry.”

“And now I’ve no idea why you’re apologizing.”

Simon had no idea that he was so bad at lying. It had never been a problem before.

“Sorry.”

“Stop it,” Raphael said harshly.

“Sorry.”

“Simon!” the older vampire insisted. “Look at me, at least. I’m not going to have you staring at the ground when we’re having conversation like this.”

Sighing, Simon lifted his head. He thought that Raphael looked beautiful, and it made him want to apologize again.

“I thought we were over this kind of awkwardness. Why are you backtracking?”

Was it just Simon or was Raphael panicking, because Raphael did not panic, but it was awfully sounding like it.

“I’m not.”

“You are,” he accused. “You’re not doing this to me.”

“Sorry,” Simon stammered, and startled when Raphael slammed his hands against the coffee table of the living room.

Raphael looked furious. But there was something strange about it, as it was somehow very different of any expression that Simon had seen on his face.

“Don’t. Just – don’t,” Raphael warned.

“I don’t know what to do. What do you want me to do?” Simon frowned.

“You got it all wrong,” Raphael growled, “You don’t need to do anything. Just be there, make your stupid jokes and fucking look at me!”

Simon felt speechless as he kept staring at Raphael after his burst. He swallowed loudly and reached his hand until it reached to Raphael’s. “Is this okay?”

Raphael muttered something in Spanish, and shook Simon’s hand away from his.

Just when Simon was starting to feel mortified, Raphael moved to Simon, opened his arms and clung to Simon.

“You little piece of shit,” Raphael said against Simon’s cheek.

Simon snorted and propped his chin to other’s shoulder.

“What are we doing?” Simon did not manage to stop himself from saying before the words were already out.

“Being idiots.”

“I don’t think you’re an idiot.” Simon sighed, “You just make me worry.”

“You worry?”

“…I do”

“There’s no need to.”

Simon thought about how he had met Raphael. At first, he had worried about Raphael. Now, he was just worried for him.

“I know…but I still do.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was a little bit stuck with this chapter, so I hope this is okay. I feel like I kind of know where I'm going with this now. I'm going to fix any typos etc. later on. I'm being lazy, nothing new. Thank you for reading, kudos and comments!  
> And happy Christmas to you all. ❤❤❤


	7. Before Something Breaks That Cannot Be Fixed

Simon was not sure how to break it to his friends that he was hanging with vampires (a vampire) these days. Not that there was anything bad about it. He was a vampire after all. It was bound to happen.

But weeks passed by, and he half forgot, half let himself forget the whole thing. Simon was not the best at hiding things, but he was not really hiding anything so these two aspects of his life just kept not overlapping each other. He kept seeing his friends, but they seemed to be really busy with their job so they did not drop by his place as often as they usually did. At the same time, Raphael was more and more frequent house guest.

Simon made plans of talking to Clary, ‘hey look at me, being all social and stuff’. He started conversation with the words in his head but the talk never went to the right direction, and he told himself that next time he will mention it.

He made plans, but then he just assumed that for sure these two parts of his life would collide, at least accidentally. Definitely.

…Never happened.

It was not like Simon was trying to keep any secrets. There was no _secret_. It was starting to get a little ridiculous.

A part of him wanted desperately to do something about it…and a part of him did not really care.

And everyone in the Institute seemed to go kind of crazy about some vampire shit anyway, so maybe they did not need any more vampire stuff in their head. Things would calm down, and then he could – do something. Call Magnus maybe, he was good at arranging meetings, get-togethers etc.

Yeah, that would be fine.

 

* * *

 

Raphael was nodding off. His head kept swaying, and he got defensive every time Simon mentioned something about it. But no matter what Raphael was not ready to admit, he clearly was dead tired. Still, he kept insisting that he was watching the film that Simon had wanted to see.

Simon sighed and waited another thirty minutes until he was done with Raphael acting like a he was not ready to fall of the couch and crack his head to the coffee table any time now.

“Go to sleep.”

“What?” Raphael said groggily.

“Go. To. Sleep.”

Raphael furrowed his eyebrows. “Are you kicking me out.”

“It does not matter where you sleep, just do for both of us a favor and do it. Sleep here for all I care,” Simon muttered.

“Here?” Raphael said, sounding perplexed.

Simon narrowed his eyes. “Is there something wrong with my apartment?”

Suddenly Raphael seemed unnaturally timid, sitting next to Simon.

“You’re joking, right?” he played with the hem of his shirt.

“Not really,” Simon said, which was true, he realized. He kept his eyes on Raphael. It really was an unusual view to see the other acting like this. Was he actually being shy here? Right now? Is this what it takes to make a seventy years old vampire feel awkward?

Raphael glanced out of the window.

Simon could see his brains working.

“Okay.”

Simon’s eyebrows rose high. “What?”

Raphael did not seem to be in a mood for repeating so he just muttered, “I guess I’m taking the couch.”

“Come to bed.”

Raphael ran his hand through his messy locks.

“Whatever,” he finally sighed.

That was how Simon found himself sharing a bed with Raphael. Maybe it was a sleep deprivation from both of their sides, but it happened with ease. Raphael automatically moved to the left side of the bed when Simon was obviously making his way to the right. The bed was big enough for too people, not that Simon had been lately sharing it with anyone. He was wearing an old The Empire Strikes Back – t-shirt and he put his well-worn pajama-pants on.

“You want something?” he asked from Raphael.

“A shirt,” he said shortly.

Simon moved to his closet and pulled out a first shirt he got out and threw it to Raphael.

Raphael sigh was loud when he looked at the front of the clothe.

Simon realized that it was the ‘inspirational shirt’ that Jace had given him as a Christmas present two years ago.

Raphael turned it on Simon’s direction.

_‘DREAM._

_PLAN._

_DO.’_

it said.

Raphael expression told that he was questioning Simon’s fashion choices.

Simon’s lip twitched. “You want another one?” He knew that the shirt he had pulled out randomly could have a way worse, honestly.

Something in Raphael’s eyes told Simon that he had realized that too.

“It’s fine,” he said and pulled it on, with a pained expression.

They were asleep before they knew it. Simon must have been more tired than he had realized.

He wakes up once during the daytime, finding out that two of them had both drifted to the middle of the bed. Simon’s face was plastered on Raphael’s shirt’s ‘PLAN’ text part of the shirt. Raphael’s hand was gripping hard to the fabric of Simon’s own shirt, so he did not even bother to try to move away. Still half-asleep he once again slipped into the unconsciousness.

The next time Simon’s opened his eyes it was because of someone talking loudly in another room. He could somehow distinguish the sound of the door opening. Now, what really made him wake up was the loud, “Simon, do you know if – OH MY GOD.”

Simon squeezed his eyes open.

He recognized the red head who was frozen mid-way through the door.

“Who is that?” she mouthed and pointed the sleeping figure that Simon was holding. It seemed that somewhere during the sleep their positions had switched and now Raphael’s face was snuggled against Simon’s chest. Clary’s eyes were on the messy haired man whose face was hidden, not deliberately, in Simon’s embrace.

Clary’s eyes were widening and then he slammed the door close.

Simon liked to think that his knowledge of Spanish curse words was pretty good, but he could not translate even a single one from Raphael’s mumbling.

“What?” Simon asked.

Raphael sighed sleepily, not opening his eyes. “What, the hell, was that?”

“It’s just my friend. I should go, I think she’s not going to leave otherwise.”

Raphael withdrew himself from Simon, and burrowed his face to the pillow. Simon noticed that their pillows must have changed somewhere during the night.

“Make her shut up,” he said.

Simon stood up and exited the bedroom, gently closing the door behind him.

He was faced with Clary who was half sitting on his kitchen table, like she was too excited to actually sit down.

“What?” Simon asked while yawning.

“Who’s that?”

Her eyes were gleaming.

_Oh god almighty._

“Just someone,” he said. “What?”

“I feel like there somewhere is a conversation you have been keeping from me.”

Simon leaned to the wall and rubbed his eyes. He still could not figure out why on earth he still needed to sleep as a vampire, at least it does not have to be a casket. And he liked sleeping, sleeping was nice. In fact, he still could have been sleeping. He wished he was still sleeping. Then he remembered that his very impatient friend was waiting him to say something.

“He’s staying over.”

“Yeah, I could see _that_ ,” she grinned.

Clearly Simon was not wake enough to have this conversation.

Simon sighed, “Clary, why did you barge in?”

“Oh, it does not matter. And just saying, it has never bothered you before when I come in.”

“That’s Raphael.”

“Hmm, that’s Raphael?” she hummed.

“ He’s a friend.”

“A friend.”

“..or something.”

“Or something,” she nodded eagerly.

Simon narrowed his eyes. “Are you going to repeat everything I say?”

“Just trying to get the whole picture. You know, because you never seem to tell me anything.”

Simon fixed his eyes on his best friend.

“Fine, I’m going. I can tell when I’m not welcomed.” She looked cheerful when she smiled at Simon before leaving the apartment. She purposely slammed the door shut. It resulted Raphael dragging himself out of the bed.

“Why does everyone has got to be so loud?” he was complaining with a tired expression.

Simon bit his lower lip when he saw the man slouch to the kitchen space where he rummaged through Simon’s fridge, picking a blood bag. It was an amusing sigh. Raphael was still just in his underwear and Simon’s t-shirt.

“What did she want?”

“Don’t know. She said it did not matter and left.”

“After you kicked her out,” Raphael smiled.

“I kindly hinted her to come some other time.”

“Always so kind.”

“Of course I am,” Simon grinned. After a pause, he added, “Did you sleep well?”

Raphael thought for it before answering, “Yes, I think I did.” Almost as an afterthought he said, “You were really warm.”

Simon felt confused, “I _can’t_ be warm.” Not anymore.

“You were – you are, really warm.” Raphael was staring into the direction of the window on the other side of the room. He looked distracted.

Simon felt the phantom heat on his cheeks. “Is that so,” he said quietly.

Raphael drank the blood from a white coffee mug, and suddenly Simon felt like he was starving.

 

* * *

 

It was on that same night that they went on a walk. Raphael complained that he was tired, but Simon insisted. It was a beautiful night. The sky was clear and the roads were frozen. Simon’s eyes were locked on the crescent moon. It was a quiet night, and the silence felt comfortable between two of them. Simon kept humming a song he had heard on a random playlist, and Raphael walked a couple of steps behind him.

“Are you bored?” Simon asked.

“Not really,” was the vague answer Raphael gave.

Simon smiled slightly, still looking ahead.

“Do you think that, maybe, like I was thinking that if…”

“Simon,” Raphael sighed.

“Do you think that this you could happen again? You, staying at my place, in my bed,” it surprised himself that he actually did say the last part.

He swallowed loudly when he waited Raphael to say something.

“…Sure.”

Simon spun around right after he heard the word.

“Idiota. You look ridiculous,” Raphael obviously meant the wide grin on Simon’s lips.

But Simon saw how the corner of Raphael’s mouth was lifting slowly.

He was thinking of moving to Raphael. He needed to get to him. Simon did not mind if he looked like a smiling idiot. He was about to take a step forward.

Suddenly Simon felt like he was yanked forward, then slightly backward. His eyes were still on Raphael who was standing in front of him, when he felt that they were getting closer for some reason. Seriously, they were moving towards each other. Or maybe it was Simon moving. No, he was falling. Why did Raphael have that surprised expression on his face? And more importantly, why was he falling? Simon’s body met Raphael’s. He felt himself being hold up by Raphael for who Simon’s body much not have felt much of a weight anyway.

Simon’s eyes dropped to the ground for a second as his eyelid felt dangerously heavy. He forced his eyes open, only them to meet unfocused dark eyes that Simon had gotten familiar with. Raphael’s arms felt steady against him. It was a big contrast to his owns that had fallen at his side. Two hands were supporting him from behind.

Were Raphael’s hands somehow wet? Because as soon as they pressed closer he felt something watery spreading through his clothes all the way to his skin. Raphael seemed to notice it too as he lifted his hands to look at them behind Simon’s back. Raphael went rigid under Simon’s weight.

Maybe Simon should turn around and look too, maybe he should say something. But Raphael was saying something, and Simon could not focus. What was he saying? He was not sure, so instead he let his head drop further and rest it on Raphael’s left shoulder.

Simon shuddered.

It took a moment to recognize the feeling, but then he finally realized that he felt cold.

_That’s weird._

His skin shivered and only thing he still somehow felt, other than coldness, was the person holding him closer.

 _This can’t be good_ , was the last thought he had before things got fuzzier and fuzzier, until everything went completely black.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this is the first actual cliffhanger in the end of any of this fic's chapters. The next chapter is going to be a little different. Part of it is already written a while ago, so I don't think it's going to take too long to update. We'll see. I finally decided that I finish with ten chapters. It's nice and even number, I'm trying to hold on to that.  
> Finally, a fast update, but I'm not sure if anyone's too happy about it. It seemed that you guys enjoyed the fluff and now I feel bad. I don't know what to say. ( ་ ⍸ ་ )  
> Sorry, and Happy New Year.
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading. Comments and kudos ♡♡♡


	8. Can We Skip past Near-Death Clichés?

 Simon was smiling at him. What he had said made Raphael almost lose his composure and smile too, almost.

It happened fast at first, then rest of it was slow.

The expression on Simon’s face changed suddenly. At first there was fast jerk forward which dragged Simon’s body with it. At the very same motion he was tugged backwards, and then Simon was falling into Raphael’s arms. Automatically, Raphael supported the other so that he would not fall over.

Confused, he dragged his hands behind Simon’s back so that he could hold him up better. He stopped his hands in their place when he felt something under his fingertips. It was wet. At that moment, he could not process what just happened, so feeling frightened he slowly brought his palms to his own view. They were bathed with the red liquid. One would not have to be a vampire to figure out what it was.

The sweet smell of copper filled his nostrils, different from the human blood that might had risen his appetite. The scent was still pleasant, but he felt nauseous with the amount of the blood. He would have never thought to ever felt that way after being turned. But once again, Simon had managed to prove him something he thought would be impossible to him.

“Dios,” he said, still confused and frozen to his place. “Oh god,” he muttered, feeling the panicky feeling reaching him. “What, Simon, what is this, why,” he spluttered, not making sense even to himself. There was no one to answer his questions, only he and Simon – who seemed pretty much out of it, though, his eyes were still open. Simon kept blinking his eyes like he was half asleep.

Simon said nothing, instead he fell even closer towards the embrace of the older vampire. Raphael held him closer too while repeating other’s name like a prayer.

The other was not responding, he felt Simon shuddering in his arms.

“Oh no,” he said feeling helpless. “No.”

Helplessly Raphael kept holding Simon in his arms, both still standing, well, Simon was mostly plastered in Raphael’s front. Raphael looked up from the young man he was holding to, noticing a figure still standing behind Simon.

“What did you do?” Raphael spitted out.

The blonde woman stood tall, she was holding something bloody in his hand but Raphael could not tell what it was and at that moment he did not really think it was necessary to care. He just felt so angry.

“What did you do!?” he shouted furiously to repeat the words.

“Oh dear,” the woman said almost sounding apologetic.

 Raphael knew to see behind the facade.

“You looked annoyed with that fledgling. I thought I was making you a favor.”

Raphael tightened his hands into a fist, the bloody fabric of Simon’s shirt between his fingers.

“Oh well,” she said nonchalant. “Don’t worry, I’ll find you another one in no time. I can even do the dirty work for you, if you want.” She smiled pleasantly.

It made Raphael feel sick.

“Why are you so upset?” she was still smiling as she sighed. “What is a little murder between friends?”

“You bitch,” he gritted out. “You have no right to be here. You were banished from New York after that stunt you pulled, if you needed a reminder. If I’d informed the Clave you would be down before you managed to move another finger.” 

“I was hoping to have a talk with my old friends, but I guess I’m not welcomed here.” Her eyes were sharp and dangerous. It was an expression Raphael was very familiar with.

“I honestly thought that you would have owned me a favor after getting rid of the –,” she motioned her hand to Simon’s direction.

“You were clearly wrong,” he gritted out.

“I see,” she said slowly. Then he raked her eyes from Simon to Raphael. “Hmm, but I guess, maybe this trip wasn’t all waste of time after all.” A brilliant smile formed on her lips and Raphael wished nothing more to rip it out of her face.

“Forgive me, Raphael,” she said smoothly. “You know how it goes, these days Mundanes, Nephilim, Demons, Downworlders…they all drop like flies. Don’t blame it on me”

Raphael shoulders were tense. If he was not holding Simon up, he would have already lashed out.

“Oh, don’t tell me you’re actually sad that he’s dead.”

Raphael’s grip tightened on Simon’s shirt. “He’s not dead,” he could not stop himself saying it aloud.

“You do.” Her eyes danced with amusement. “Oh Raphael, I thought you knew better,” she said sounding patronizing.

“You’re insane.” Raphael snarled. Simon was the only reason why he had not already attempted to shut her overtalkative mouth.

“No, Raphael. I’m just old enough to have realized not to be bothered with those mundane habits that you still haven’t managed to get rid of, I see. Live a couple hundred years more and you will understand what I mean. But then again, maybe you’ll realized it already tomorrow when that little dead weight has been dropped from your shoulders.”

“I’m going to kill you.”

“No, you won’t. Wouldn’t want to leave that pretty boy die alone. Now, that would be just rude. Right?”

Raphael glanced at Simon whose shuddering had lessened. He did not know if it was a bad or a good thing, but let’s face it, it could not really be any good.

“But,” she said, “I agree that the Clave is most likely going to be on my back for some time. How bothersome.” She took a step back with her red heels clattering against the pavement.

“It was so nice to catch up, Raphael.” Her eyes gleamed like she actually meant what she said. “Let’s do this again sometime soon.”

Then she walked away, and Raphael could have run after her and do – something.

“Camille!” he shouted after her. “Camille!!”

But he could not do it. Because Simon was there, still bleeding, and Raphael had no idea why. Even if he was stabbed, a vampire should not bleed like this, not this long. The wound was not healing, the blood kept running. The image of Simon falling was still in his head vividly, but Raphael still had no idea what had happened. He had no idea with what Simon had been wounded.

He let himself slowly fall to his knees, gently letting Simon down too but still holding him slightly up. He looked lifeless, and that was saying a lot coming from a vampire.

Raphael kept moving his hands over Simon’s body, afraid to touch him. Realizing that he was panicking, he forced himself to think rationally.

 _What do I need to do? What **can** I do?_ He shut his eyes close while trying to clear his head.

_Magnus._

He fumbled his phone out of his jacket, only to mess his sleek metal covered phone with sticky red color. He found the contact quickly as his hands let him and waited.

_This better not go to the voice mail or I-_

_“Raphael.”_

“Gracias a Dios,” he stuttered.

_“Well this is rare to hear you so-“_

“Magnus, please.”

There was a pause.

 _“What happened?”_ Magnus said, suddenly the light tone of his voice forgotten.

“Camille.”

_“Rapha-“_

The vampire interrupted him mid-sentence, “He’s dying.”

_“Who?”_

“I don’t know what happened. I think she stabbed him with something and he’s bleeding, and he shouldn’t be bleeding this much. There’s so much…”

_“Where are you?”_

Raphael could hear Magnus’ coat rustle on the other end and he was about to complain how it was not time to think about coats, but then Magnus was asking for directions and Simon was not moving anymore.

Raphael felt lost and then he realized that he was not even able to offer any information of their location. Where were they, how had their come there, why, why did it even matter? There was so much blood.

Realizing Raphael’s struggles, Magnus said, _“Don’t worry, I’ll track you. I’ll be there.”_ And then the call ended.

Magnus had managed get his portal entrance somewhere close it seemed, as he rushed from somewhere sooner than Raphael had let himself hope.

“You’re here,” he said relieved, when he felt the warlock shift behind him.

Magnus seemed to notice that he was shaking before he did as the warlock lowered his hand to Raphael’s shoulder.

“Oh,” he said.

Magnus eyed him worried, before turning to the other vampire.

“You need to let him go.”

“No.”

“I need to see him, Raphael.”

Raphael shook his head, trying to make himself think clearly. “Of course,” he finally said because it made sense.

He tried gently remove Simon from himself and rest him fully down in more comfortable position. As the boy’s head swayed left to reveal his face to Magnus, the warlock took a sharp breath in.

“Simon.”

When Raphael heard Magnus say the name, he looked up eyes filled with red tears.

“Can you help him?”

Magnus’ reaction worried him, after all, he was always the one with the composed attitude, even during the worst events. The warlock was just staring at the young vampire. Raphael knew that Simon looked like death, but was it really _that_ bad.

“Magnus,” he pleaded.

Magnus snapped his head to Raphael, like he had not noticed himself zoning out. He cleared his voice. “Yeah,” he sounded breathless. “I’m going to do everything I can.”

Raphael nodded, and then he heard the warlock mutter, “He does not deserve this.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank me when we got this one back on his feet, walking and talking like he’s supposed to be.”

Raphael bit his lower lip while scanning Simon’s still face. He tried to retrieve the memory of Simon just a half of an hour ago, smiling and chattering to him. It seemed like something that had happened years ago, now Simon looked just dead. Dead, with a whole new different meaning to them. Raphael almost missed Magnus’ question.

“What happened?”

“Camille.”

Magnus’ mouth tightened.

“I don’t know what she was doing here, but she stabbed him. I don’t think there was even a reason why him. Might have been me as well. I think it was a some kind of knife, but I could not see. I could not see, Magnus. He shouldn’t be bleeding like this, right?”

Raphael watched Magnus ran his fingers over Simon’s body.

“He’s a vampire, but he’s still young. You need to fix this. Please fix him. Tell me you can. It’s not fair if he has to go this way. I need you to help him, make this better, make him better.”

This was a Raphael that Magnus had not seen in years. This was someone who Raphael did his best not to be, or at least, not show and keep hidden.

“Raphael,” he heard Magnus say with a voice of comfort. For some reason, it sounded that he was the one needing it.

Raphael did not snarl back like he usually did in their conversations. Instead he lowered his head.

“Just heal him.”

Raphael was holding Simon’s other hand, brushing his thumb over the back of it.

The small gesture did not go unnoticed by Magnus. His eyes shifted from the linked hands to Raphael’s face.

 _I need you_ , Raphael thought as he stared at the young man. _I need you._   “I need you,” he said, “I know it sounds desperate and I know it’s selfish, but I need you.”

“It’s not selfish,” the warlock whispered.

Raphael was not sure what kind of face he was making but he did not dare to look up.

This time Magnus said louder, “It’s not selfish at all,” the tone of his voice angry, but not directed to Raphael.

 

* * *

 

Raphael was on his knees next to Magnus and Simon who was lying on the ground. He wished the boy could breathe so that there would be a sign that he was not gone. He wished he could tell somehow.

“I know he looks out of it right now, but try to get him to his senses. Talk to him.” Magnus ushered. He was going through his bag. “We need him to want to keep going.”

Without thinking twice, Raphael lifted his hands to Simon’s cheeks, keeping the head straight up. Chocking to the blood would not be a problem, but he still felt worried when he moved Simon’s head straighter.

Red smudged over Simon’s skin, and when Raphael lifted his hands, he found that wet bloodstains were left behind. He had forgotten how messy his hands must have gotten. Raphael swiped his hands to his own pants before returning his hands back to Simon’s face. He used his thumb to swipe away some of the red mess when he talked to the unconscious man.

“Simon. Simon, can you hear me? Please tell me that you can hear me.”

Magnus ripped the shirt open and revealed the bloody mess which was Simon’s stomach.

Raphael let out an uncoherent sound.

There was a hole in his stomach.

“This is not the best case scenario.” Magnus sounded uncommonly nervous. He took a breath in. “Simon, work with me,” he muttered.

Magnus’ eyes flashed yellow as he moved his both hand to the top of the wound. The blue light blinded Raphael’s view of the blood and it made him hope that it would have been as it felt and looked like at that moment – just a blurry dream.

 

* * *

 

Raphael was not sure how much time had passed.

Magnus forehead was sweating and the man himself looked completely exhausted. The warlock exhaled loudly when he finally lifted his hands

“I think he might pull it through,” Magnus said with a huff.

“How do we know he’s not dead – how do we- ?” Here was the leader of New York’s vampire clan, sounding so unsure, looking like a single word could shatter him.

Magnus swiped his hands over Simon’s chest. “I can feel it. And I know that this one’s not ready to go yet.” And at that moment Magnus’ eyes glared yellow and Raphael felt something strong blazing from the warlock’s direction. It made him turn to Magnus who was focused on Simon.

Raphael could feel the magic of Magnus flaring in the air. He had no idea why Magnus was making such an effort, but he was glad.

For a second, Simon’s eyes opened.

“Look at me. Look at me. Simon, don’t close your eyes. Don’t you fucking dare,” Raphael spoke to him.

Then he heard Magnus say desperately, “Come on. I don’t want to explain why you died on my watch.”

 

* * *

 

“He needs blood.”

“What,” Raphael said dazed.

“Blood.”

“I don’t have any, should I-“

“No.”

“No?”

“Yours.” Magnus looked Raphael in the eyes.

“But I’m not his sire. That person is dead. What would my blood do?”

“He needs blood from one of his kind right now, trust me.”

Without thinking twice Raphael took his own wrist between his own teeth and ripped the skin open

“We could have done that in a so much more hygienic way…” Magnus looked at the just torn skin, looking slightly disgusted.

Raphael knew that Magnus had never been too good with blood.

“This is faster.”  Raphael moved his hand over Simon’s mouth. “Can he drink?” he asked worried.

“Yeah,” Magnus nodded. “Just go slow.”

Raphael kept his wrist over Simon’s mouth, letting the red drip out, smearing on his lips.

“Like this,” Magnus said quietly and moved Raphael’s wrist closer to Simon’s mouth.

Now that Magnus had done his part, he let himself look at his long known ‘friend’ – as one might say. The scene was terrifyingly unfamiliar. Worry and fear was drawn on vampire’s face as he wiped spilled blood from Simon’s cheek.

Raphael looked like a mess. His usually styled hair was mused, clothes ruined by dry and still wet blood stains. He looked tired and under his eyes could be seen the red smudges left from tears that had been hastily wiped away.

 

* * *

 

Magnus made a portal.

“Let’s pick him up. We need to take him to my place. I don’t have everything I need here.” Then Magnus looked at the streets,” and I don’t think this is a best place to treat anyone, anyway.” He walked to Simon.

Raphael stood up and hunched over Simon. “You’re exhausted. Let me,” Raphael said and took the younger vampire into his arms. He felt better, feeling the weight of the other. Simon was real, he still was present.

Raphael’s eyes met Magnus’ when he walked to the portal. Magnus offered a weak smile, and though their relationship had strained during the last few decades, with an ease Raphael returned it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A surprise Raphael's POV, yay?  
> Oh, and yeah I kind of ended up using the book Camille hair color. I don't even know why, I think I kind of just had read the books before I started writing this fic six moths ago, so it kind of was left in my head. Also, she's not Simon's sire or anything in this fic, if someone's thinking that.  
> I wasn't supposed to post this today, but I needed something else to think so I ended up finishing this chapter.  
> Thank you for reading!


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